Narcissists know how to target people.
They know what to look out for.
Many people think that narcissists can con anybody and start to destroy their lives. This isn’t true. There are many people who the narcissist will quickly ascertain are not on their snack list.
In today’s TTV episode I share with you the top six traits that narcissists look for in their victims.
Video Transcript
Narcissists hunt.
They know what they are searching for in regard to their victims. They are looking for lovely people with certain characteristics, which really means people who are not necessarily nice to themselves.
Narcissists need narcissistic supply very quickly. They can’t provide their own internal energy source and need to strike rapidly. This is why narcissists are incredibly skilled at knowing who to strike and how.
By you knowing the six traits that narcissists look out for in the people that they hone in on, it means you can shore up these susceptibilities within yourself so that you will no longer be on a narcissist’s menu.
Okay, so just before we investigate these six top traits, I’d like to thank all of you for supporting the Thriver Mission by subscribing to my channel. If you haven’t yet done so please do. Also, if you like this video please make sure that you give it a thumbs up and share it with your communities.
Okay so let’s get started on this very important information.
Trait Number One: Unhealed Traumas
The number one universal tactic for a narcissist to enmesh with another, such as a love or business partner, friend, neighbour or even in regard to a family of origin narcissist trying to retain another family member for supply – is this:
Find the ‘need’ and propose to be the grand supplier of it.
Narcissists question potential intimate partner targets to find out what is still hurting them or missing in regard to their previous love life.
If you say that you were treated like you didn’t matter, the narcissist will supply the information to make you believe that to him or her you will completely matter. If your previous traumas have been about adultery, the narcissist will profess to be 100% monogamous.
The list goes on and on.
In a business context, the narcissist will purportedly have the smarts, experience, confidence and contacts that you don’t have.
When a family member is ready to pull away and walk away, the narcissist may pretend to be the caring, considerate person that the other family member has craved all their life.
If you feel empty, disappointed, powerless or ineffectual in some area of your life, you are susceptible to being duped and abused by a narcissist pretending to be the saviour of this trauma.
Of course, we all have things that we desire, yet if we are not taking personal responsibility to heal those feelings within ourselves, we will be needy. We will grab an outside solution rather than doing the inner work to become an emotional healing solution to ourselves.
This means we can make risky choices, rather than take our time to ascertain the character of people and ensure that our boundaries, values, body, heart, mind and property have been granted the healthy due diligence to keep them safe.
When we are whole, we don’t rush things. When we are empty and needy we become reckless to try to get relief from our inner emptiness and anxieties about the future.
This is where narcissists come in.
Trait Number Two: Not Honouring Your Inner Being
Narcissists know how to test people’s boundaries. When a narcissist targets you as a potential source, they are trying to find out whether or not you honour yourself, your values and your truth.
Because if you are in your power, as soon as the narcissist starts violating your boundaries and mining you with their own self-serving agendas, you will put an end to the relationship.
A person aligned with living their values and truths will not be a match for such behaviours.
Narcissists can easily test your boundaries, especially if he or she has been able to hook up quickly with you, and infiltrate your time, emotions and life. At this point, you may already be feeling an emotional dependency on this person as the provider of the love, approval, security or survival that you haven’t yet resolved within yourself.
This now means that you don’t want to lose this person.
You may even believe that this is THE person who will be your salvation and bring you wholeness.
Now the narcissist is going to start saying or doing things to test your boundaries to see how far he or she can go. The actions start not matching the words. He or she will start acting entitled, selfish and inconsiderate.
He or she may make a disparaging, nasty comment about you or someone or something that is important to you.
Where there was previously support, the exact opposite starts becoming evident.
You may even start experiencing obscene violations of your values and rights that start tearing your soul apart. At some point in your relationship with the narcissist, these horrific experiences are inevitable.
If you start acquiescing to try to keep the peace, or even fight back because this has hurt you, rather than create ultimate boundaries, pull away and know what you will or won’t have in your life – the narcissist will now know that he or she can violate you, mine you and get what he or she wants.
Identically, upon meeting a narcissist, he or she has ways of testing your boundaries and seeing if you are going to do your due diligence and take your time to assess his or her personal character or not.
If you start automatically trusting and gravitating towards a narcissist, despite the warning signs that your Inner Being is absolutely supplying you with (this happened to all of us), then the narcissist has a green light to proceed.
From this point things can only get worse.
Trait Number Three: Not Having Your Own Whole Life
One part of being that injured gazelle at the edge of the pack, able to be picked off by a predator, is not having a whole, happy and productive life.
You see, this is how it goes – narcissists need to create dependencies.
If you feel lonely, empty and have simply been going through the motions waiting for something to change outside of yourself, or for somebody to turn up in order to start granting you a happy productive life, you are at risk. That someone who you want to be the saviour of this emptiness is someone who you will struggle greatly to let go of – no matter how badly he or she treats you.
If, when you start connecting with somebody at a healthy pace, you don’t retain your own life, happiness, and purpose then this person becomes your ‘everything’.
This is dire; it is unhealthy co-dependent attachment. It means that this person’s choices, values and life will become your own, no matter how abusive and disordered they may be.
It also means that this person can monopolise your emotions, time and life very quickly.
In stark contrast, retaining yourself, your life and your values is one of the greatest safeguards in regard to not being taken in and down by a narcissist. He or she will not tolerate it and will need to leave your experience.
Trait Number Four: Not Being Willing to Lose It All to Get It All
If you are not prepared to love yourself first and foremost, then you are susceptible to being abused by somebody who you are trying to get your own sense of worth and love from.
A healthy life in regard to interpersonal relationships must start with self-love. Meaning, if someone starts treating you in unhealthy and abusive ways that you love yourself enough to pull away and align with the self-love, ‘I love myself enough to know longer endure abuse’.
Generally, narcissists do something inappropriate, uncaring or even abusive early in the relationship. Or you may discover information or questionable activities about this person that just don’t add up, or point-blank expose him or her to be not a nice person.
If you make excuses to stay attached, and if you are not prepared to pull away and create safety around the sanctity of your soul and life-force by declaring the truth of your values and what you will and won’t accept in your life, the narcissist knows that he or she can be a monster and you won’t leave.
The narcissist knows you will stay attached trying to change them in order to try to have a happy life. This provides the narcissist with copious amounts of narcissistic supply – the drama and attention he or she gets from knowing how severely you are affected by them. He or she also now has you as a target to beat up and to offload their inner demons onto.
If you are a person who is willing to lose it all to get it all, meaning lose another person rather than lose yourself, you will never be susceptible to a narcissist. You will leave as soon as things start to feel and become ‘off’. You will set the limits as to what you will and won’t accept, and you will very quickly see that the narcissist does not have the resources to genuinely meet you healthily.
If you are presently healing to get into this newfound True Self Power, you will finally get out of the clutches of narcissistic abuse and start to carve out the life that is reflective of your True Self.
Naturally, to be solid enough on the inside to do this requires doing the inner work on your original traumas in order to become whole. Otherwise, you may capitulate and keep handing your power away.
Trait Number Five: Trying to Change Other People to Stop Them From Hurting You
Narcissists seek out people who are co-dependent. These are people who make other people’s business their business in order to try to feel loved, safe and happy.
Narcissists make a mess.
They are often edgy, irresponsible, live high on the hog, and show little respect for rules, finances and responsibility – after all it is about feeding their insatiable False Self in order to feel significant, regardless of the cost.
If you are someone who is covertly controlling, meaning taking responsibility for other people who don’t take responsibility for themselves, in order for you to feel safe on the inside, then you are a perfect match for a narcissist.
He or she wants somebody to mop up the messes. He or she wants someone to keep the fires burning while the narcissist pursues new supply outside of the home. He or she wants somebody to hang around and stay focused on the narcissist regardless of how badly the narcissist behaves.
We may believe that it is caring to look after irresponsible and out-of-control people, but really this is an attempt to try to get people to be stable and safe so that they can love us and look after us healthily.
As children, we may have been connected to unsafe others, trying to fix things for them so that they would be safe. The truth is we had no other option. As adults we do, and we can never fix other people’s behaviour to get our own source of love, approval, security and survival.
We only ever achieve these things by letting go of people who we believe need fixing, and turning inwards and fixing the real reasons why we have had the tendency to do this and stay connected to abuse in painful relationships.
Trait Number Six: You Are Not Self-Partnered and Loving Yourself
When the narcissist starts behaving in inappropriate and abusive ways, and you stay attached to him or her instead of pulling away to look after yourself, the narcissist knows that he or she has become the centre of your universe.
Now the narcissist can keep hurting you, mining and taking from you, and know that you have been secured as a source of supply while this takes place.
When you stay, which means tolerating things that you never believed you would tolerate, the narcissist has full permission to relax and drop the mask even further.
He or she may realise that even if caught out with adultery you won’t leave.
This is soul destroying for you, when you realise that your bottom line is almost completely extinguished, or even non-existent now.
This is the reason why being self-partnered is the number one step to take, to start pulling away, healing, bringing yourself back to wholeness and wellness and being impervious to abusers in the future.
It is the absolute foundation of healing in the Thriver Way in order to create a full recovery of not just your abuse symptoms, but also your abuse patterns.
If you are not self-partnered, meaning you are committed to loving yourself enough to heal and create yourself as a whole and healthy individual who is no longer susceptible to abuse, then your life will be dictated by other people’s values and choices rather than your own.
Narcissists know how to look out for this to ascertain where people are in regard to being anchored in their own being as self-love to themselves or not. People who have been assigning other people as their source of love, approval, security and survival are clearly not self-partnered.
If this is the case, narcissists know that they can easily slot into that position, enmesh with people, and start taking over their soul and life.
How to Recover From These Six Traits
I hope that going over these top six traits that narcissists look out for in their victims has helped you understand just how you may have been susceptible to narcissistic abuse.
Most people are extremely aware of the symptoms that they are suffering, and that they have been abused, but do not realise the real rectifications that are necessary to graduate out of the pain and trauma to evolve yourself beyond handing your power away to abusers again.
If you need further clarification and understanding on exactly how this has played out in your life then I invite you to join me in my free webinar where you will start to understand exactly how you can heal from not just your abuse symptoms, but also the abuser’s ability to hurt you, and, going forward, the fears of getting involved with any narcissistic people in the future.
To gain this vital understanding and training please click this link.
And, if you liked this video please give it a thumbs up and share with the communities and people who you know can heal as a result of this information.
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So, I hope that this video was insightful for you and I look forward to your comments and questions below.
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