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Let’s Talk Divorce: Toxic Men: Are You a Narcissist Magnet?

Let’s Talk Divorce: Toxic Men: Are You a Narcissist Magnet?

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Do you seem to go from one toxic relationship to another?

Have you ever asked yourself, “Is there something wrong with me that makes me a target for narcissistic, toxic men?”

The answer is maybe and no!

There is NOTHING wrong with you but, you may have qualities and traits that make you attractive to narcissistic and toxic men. Like moths to a flame, these men flutter around you waiting for an opening.

These qualities and traits give the narcissist a foot in the door and leave you wide open for their manipulations.

5 Traits that Attract Narcissistic, Toxic Men

You’re trusting

You’re trusting with everyone from the get-go. People don’t have to earn your trust, you readily give it until proven it hasn’t been earned. Narcissists use this to their advantage.

You treat others with respect and expect the same in return

It is in your nature to treat others the way you wish to be treated. The narcissist returns this treatment during the love-bombing phase. They use it to reel you in and get you so emotionally invested that once the disrespect begins, you’re in too deep to extract yourself from the relationship.

You love unconditionally

You love unconditionally

In fact, you love to a fault! You may be in love with the idea of love.

Narcissists use this against you after the love bombing period. They know that no matter what they deprive you of in the relationship, you’re going to continue to love them.

You’re empathetic and compassionate

These traits make it easy for you to make excuses for the narc’s bad behavior. You make excuses for the narc based on his “victim” stories. He was molested by a priest, he was emotionally abandoned by his mother. And on and on. Being empathetic, instead of holding him accountable for bad behavior, you hold his mother or that priest accountable. You believe that love, your love, will heal those old wounds and he’ll become the person he was during the love-bombing phase again.

You have trouble setting boundaries

You fear setting boundaries because you fear abandonment. With family, friends, coworkers and romantic relationships, you allow people to take advantage of you. Due to this, you are easily manipulated by the narcissist, toxic man.

You know how you should be treated, you just fear vocalizing it.

The post Let’s Talk Divorce: Toxic Men: Are You a Narcissist Magnet? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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The Easiest Way To Identify Toxic People

The Easiest Way To Identify Toxic People

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Discover the easiest and most powerful way to keep yourself safe from toxic people.

For anyone who has been narcissistically abused, especially if you are terrified of it happening again, this information is invaluable.

In this first Thriver TV episode for 2020, I want to explain to you how to ensure that the people you connect with in your life are healthy, rather than toxic.

As well as exactly how to achieve this!

 

 

Video Transcript

Welcome to 2020 and I hope that you have had a wonderful holiday break.

For our first Thriver TV episode this year I want to help you create an abuse-free year and life going forward.

If you have been able to leave the narcissist in your life and you feel fearful of connecting with toxic people in the future, I really want you to know – toxic people who are effective at being toxic are not immediately recognisable.

The ones that aren’t high functioning can be easy to detect. They could be overtly inappropriate, arrogant and quite frankly dysfunctional. These generally are the ones who are not the most dangerous.

Toxic people who are very capable of infiltrating people’s lives and smashing them to pieces are not like this, they are generally consummate actors who are extremely good at winning people’s trust and hearts.

So how do you identify those people?

In today’s video, I’m going to explain to you exactly how you will not only suspect these people but flush them out in a way that keeps you totally safe.

But, before I do, I want to thank all of you who have supported the Thriver Mission by subscribing to my channel. If you haven’t yet subscribed, I’d like to remind you to please do so. And, if you enjoy this episode, please give it a thumbs up.

Okay so let’s take a deep dive into how to identify toxic people.

 

Are You an Injured Gazelle or a Robust Bison?

You may wonder what animals have to do with this. As an analogy, they can explain a lot regarding how a narcissist targets an individual.

My analogy regarding an injured gazelle is this: it is a person who has gaps, who has susceptibilities to being ensnared and taken down by a predator.

Whereas, an individual who is a robust bison is too solid and anchored in its integrity, in its own body and energy, to be susceptible.

Please note it simply is not true that anybody can get abused by a narcissist.

Let me explain.

If you are feeling empty on the inside and carrying previous hurts that you haven’t yet reconciled, you can be as susceptible to a charming con-person coming into your life pretending to be the saviour of your emptiness, fears, or what is missing, as you would be to diving into a mirage if you were dying of thirst in the desert.

I promise you that I’m not saying this to victim shame you. I am saying this to help empower you, just as this total understanding about myself and my own life helped me awaken to understand that I did have power in these situations and that I had handed it away.

I now know as a recovered and Thriving individual – when you take personal responsibility to heal and resolve your previous traumas, and accept the gift of your own evolution and have become a solid emotional source to yourself, then there is no need for you to let people come into your life immediately.

You will take your time to get to know them, and assess their character before merging with them in ways that puts your heart, emotions, body and even resources on the line.

If a narcissist cannot find a way to infiltrate your life and snare you as a source of narcissistic supply to start mining your energy and resources quickly, it’s not worth the effort. There is much easier prey to target and feed on.

It truly is up to us to heal ourselves up from being an injured gazelle with a limp at the edge of a pack to becoming a robust bison who will never be a target.

Now let’s examine how this works in regard to identifying a toxic person.

 

By Being Yourself Powerfully You Repel Toxic People

The true way that you will recognise whether someone is toxic or not, before it is too late, is because you simply don’t want to play with them, or they leave your experience because they can’t get you to.

What I mean by this is the following: you will be anchored in your integrity, unafraid to ask the difficult questions if something doesn’t feel right, you will be able to speak up and lay boundaries and say ‘no’ if something feels uncomfortable for you.

Also, and above all, by standing in your rights, by taking your time to get to know somebody before letting them into your heart, body, bed, finances, and home, you will see behaviour that is ‘off’ in regard to a toxic person.

They may try to test your boundaries to see if you really mean them. They may have conversations with you that are not respectful about allowing you to be a solid, mature individual taking your time.

Narcissists cannot stand not getting the instant hit of narcissistic supply. They need to escape their own tormented energy at every opportunity by entering into and enmeshing with, and then draining, somebody else’s.

If a narcissist can’t get you to ignore your boundaries, hand over your rights and the bounty that he or she is after very quickly, they may try to guilt you into it. They may bait you, threaten you with abandonment, or appeal to you by claiming that you are making a terrible mistake and risk losing a golden opportunity by taking your time.

If you have healed yourself up to become a solid, mature, adult human being in your own body, you will know that this is baloney. And there is no way that you will capitulate to it.

It is then that the narcissist will unravel and just disappear.

It’s game over. You have asserted your True Self and True Life that the toxic person is no match for and therefore as per Quantum Law – so within, so without – this person simply cannot be in your experience, and won’t be.

Does it even matter whether or not you identify that this person is a toxic individual and that you have dodged a bullet?

No!

You are simply living your life powerfully and authentically from the inside out.

If you haven’t yet healed your original traumas and unmet wounds that are not allowing you to be a whole individual integrated in your own body healthily, then you may mistake this as you being abandoned, or unworthy of this person.

Or maybe you obsess that it is something that you have done wrong, and you should have let your boundaries down, rather than risk losing them. Maybe you will now go after this person and reel them back in.

Can you see how important it is to do the essential inner work on yourself so that you are no longer susceptible to handing away your power and betraying your own values and truths and putting yourself in grave danger with a sociopath?

I hope so, because the understanding I just shared with you is everything.

 

The Truth About Identifying Toxic People

The truth is that you can’t identify toxic people in a way that will keep you safe because your focus on them is not the way to achieve this.

If you haven’t as yet turned inwards to discover what your gaps are and what you need to heal within yourself, no matter what you try to learn about toxic people in order to remain safe from them, they will identify your gaps, charm you and infiltrate your life, just as they have always done to people.

The deeper truth is this, toxic people come into our lives as the real outer life evidence of our already unmet, unhealed existing inner wounds. The reason that these people come into our real-life experience, is so that our unconscious traumas can become conscious, so that finally we can turn inwards, meet them, release them and go free from them.

It’s a much better, healthier and more fulfilling system if we realise the truth about this, and self-partner to do the work that we’ve always needed to do. That way, no longer will we be the injured gazelle with a limp at the edge of the pack, or a ripe target for a predator looking to steal our soul, energy and life.

So, here is the truth – you are not going to identify toxic people.

It’s actually impossible.

Rather, you are simply going to ascertain and work with the only being that you are able to control – yourself. Then you will become healthy and whole and powerfully magnificently impervious to toxic people.

Do you understand this?

If so, write below, ‘I am going to heal and become magnificently impervious to them!’

It’s Time To Become Impervious.

I know that in all of my episodes I am really saying the same thing, over and over, just in different ways.

But I have a feeling that this particular episode may really finally hit home for you!

If this is the case, then you may be ready to do the inner work to clean up your previous traumas and gaps, to leave behind your abuse patterns and fear of abusers forever.

And I mean forever!

If it is your time, and there is no time other than now … then come with me, heal and start becoming another Thriver in this incredible community, by joining my revolutionary healing program the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program – NARP, by clicking this link.

And, if you like this video please give it a thumbs up and make sure that you are subscribed to my channel so that you will be notified as soon as each new video is released.

And as always, I am so looking forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

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forgiveness after a toxic marriage

Forgiveness After a Toxic Marriage: Here’s Why It’s Important

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forgiveness after a toxic marriage

 

“There is no future without forgiveness.” Desmond Tutu

The single most important step you must take in order to move on after divorce is to forgive. 

Over the course of your marriage, things must have been said and done by both yourself and your husband that were hurtful and toxic.

Hanging on to these hurts will perpetuate their destructive effect, unless and until they are released.

Hanging on to past hurts is like strapping an anchor to your neck and dragging it wherever you go.

Unforgiveness will bring you down and prevent you from rising up to your highest potential. It will deprive you of the peace that you need to create a happy life.

You won’t be able to start over with a clean slate if you’re still obsessed with the wrongs of the past.

When you forgive, you release yourself from the bondage of blame and resentment and break free from the spell past hurts have placed on you. 

Forgiveness is freedom from judgment, ill feelings, and being “right” at the expense of being happy.

Sometimes we adopt a posture of righteous indignation because we mistakenly believe that not forgiving the other person makes him or her the bad guy while making us the victim, the nice guy. We feel morally superior.

But being unforgiving doesn’t make you good and the other person bad. It makes you unhappy! The other person can very well go on with his or her life untouched by your anger and hatred.

Remember, you deserve to be happy. So, tap on the power of forgiveness to set yourself free.

You need to forgive your husband for every wrong, real or perceived.

Yes, every single one of them. You need to forgive yourself for all the things you regret associated with your marriage and in every area of your life.

You need to forgive every person who, in your opinion, contributed to the breakdown of your marriage. That includes friends, relatives, in-laws, even “the other woman.”

This is hard stuff, I know, and don’t get mad at me for saying so. But as hard as this may be, it is essential to your happiness.  Release the charge. Stop thinking about it, or at least think about it with neutral feelings.

We are often unwilling to forgive because we assume that forgiving turns us into doormats. That forgiving is condoning offensive behaviors. That, by forgiving, we are making them acceptable. We are enabling the perpetrator. We are inviting more of the same.

But that isn’t true.

Forgiving is not about condoning bad behaviors, especially forgiveness after a toxic marriage.

Some behaviors, abusive ones, in particular, are wrong and unacceptable, and should never be tolerated.

Those behaviors may have given you good reasons to end your marriage. But they do not justify ending your peace and depriving yourself of the happiness that is your birthright.

Forgiveness opens the door to a life of freedom and possibility.

Forgiveness makes room in your heart to allow love to flow in.

Maybe you’re not comfortable forgiving because you fear it makes you seem weak.

To the contrary, forgiving is empowering, because it dissolves the grip past hurts have over you. It allows you to face your vulnerabilities and gives you the opportunity to heal and dissolve them.

When you hang on to past hurts and resentments, you are giving your power away.

Holding on to resentment actually poisons you. It keeps you bound to the person you badly want out of your life.

Every time you think about the hurtful event, you are allowing it to continue hurting you over and over again, even after the conduct has stopped.

Some people hang on to hurts that happened long ago, by people who may no longer be alive. Who do you think is hurt by the unforgiveness? Not the dead guy, for sure!

You are not alone.

We have all been hurt, often by people we love. By people, we thought loved us. And we have to process feelings of betrayal as well.

Perhaps you have endured vicious behaviors that were totally uncalled for. You may think you have been inflicted the unforgivable. I understand.

I am not trying to minimize your pain, but open your mind to the possibility that other people have endured horrifying experiences, even worse than yours, and have found it in their hearts to forgive. Through forgiveness, these people have achieved freedom, and inspire us to allow the power of forgiveness to heal our deepest wounds.

Louise Hay had been sexually abused as a child. Yet, she turned her painful experiences into an occasion to heal herself and to help others heal through a lifetime of inspiring works. Likewise, Immaculee Ilibagiza, in her book “Left to Tell: Discovering God in the Midst of the Rwandan Holocaust,” shares her stirring story on achieving freedom through forgiveness, after her family members were murdered by friends and neighbors during the genocide in Rwanda in the 1990s.

Their examples underscore how forgiveness can serve you.

Forgiveness doesn’t stop with your husband. Also, forgive yourself. The past is over and done. You cannot change it, but you can choose again. Learn your lessons and be the better person from it.

Consider incorporating a forgiveness practice into your life.

It will support you as you examine your relationship, decide whether to leave or stay and start your life anew, with or without your husband. It will pay dividends in every area of your life and will enable you to enjoy better relationships and a serene existence.

If you’re not sure how to go about it, there is plenty of help available. The subject is so vast and complex that you could fill a whole library with books about forgiveness. There are lots of amazing teachers, all of them courageously sharing their personal stories and unique forgiveness techniques. Find one that resonates with you. Or feel free to create techniques of your own if you can’t find one that is right for you.

My favorite book on the subject is “Forgiveness: 21 Days to Forgive Everyone for Everything” by Iyanla Vanzant. This fabulous little book comes with a built-in, 21-day workbook and includes a CD with guided meditation exercises for every day of your forgiveness journey. By day 14, I felt considerably lighter and more peaceful.

I have also found inspiration in Louise Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life,” as well as Colin Tipping’s “Radical Forgiveness: Making Room for the Miraclewww.amazon.com/Radical-Forgiveness-Miracle-Tipping-Paperback/dp/B00OX8BXFG.”

You can also join forgiveness support groups at a local church or online.

The key is to allow the power of forgiveness to release you from the wounds of the past and pave the way for a brighter future.

If You’re Not Ready to Forgive Yet

Maybe your spouse or others have engaged in very damaging behaviors that you need to process. Perhaps your emotions are still too raw, and you are not yet ready to forgive. Be kind to yourself and honor your feelings.

Forgiveness requires you to be ready and receptive. You may want to wait until the heat is off, the dust settles and you are out of the emotional danger zone. That is perfectly okay.

Take baby steps down the road to forgiveness. Louise Hay taught that you can start by being willing to forgive. Take the first step now and get ready for a life in which your husband’s misdeeds are not even worthy of a passing thought.

Now you’re ready to begin anew. Rebuild your life on a clean slate with the power of forgiveness.

Note: Excerpt adapted from the book Solve the Divorce Dilemma: Do You Keep Your Husband or Do You Post Him on Craigslist? by Sonia Frontera.

The post Forgiveness After a Toxic Marriage: Here’s Why It’s Important appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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toxic people

Want To Feel Better? Then Stop Hanging Around Toxic People

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toxic people

 

When you’re working to get your confidence back and build boundaries after divorce, there is one “hiding in plain sight” barrier that will keep you from reaching your goals.

And that’s surrounding yourself with toxic people.

You know *exactly* who these toxic people are…

  • The pushy one with unsolicited advice that makes you doubt your decisions
  • The catty one with snide comments and back-handed compliments
  • The one who blames you and makes herself the victim when you call her out on her BS.

Sound like anyone you know? 

Is this a sister? Your mother? Your adult daughter? That “friend” who says she’s “only trying to help you?”

Literally every woman deals with these jerks on the daily. And his/her comments are so hurtful because they know which button of yours to push. They’ve known you for a long-ass time, and know your sore spots, triggers, and vulnerabilities.

That’s why one of their comments can leave you devastated for days.

The secret about toxic people in your life…

100% of that criticism has nothing to do with you. She is projecting her own insecurities onto you she’s not taking responsibility for her own issues.

Remember the time your sister said, “that dress looks a little snug on you, don’t you think?” although she knew you were counting calories and going to yoga three times a week?

She’s guaranteed stepped on the scale that morning and was 12 pounds heavier after that cruise.

Remember that time you got that promotion at work and instead of congratulating you, your mother said, “Oh, so I guess that means you’ll be spending even less time with your kids.”

Like, WTF?!

She guaranteed is feeling resentful that she stepped down from her job to stay full-time with her children and didn’t go back into the workplace.

What to do About Toxic People

So, what do you want to do about her? 

Continue to let them walk all over you, saying “that’s just her.” This option is risky because you put yourself at risk of continued frustration and hurt feelings.

Stand up for yourself. This doesn’t have to look like a Jerry Springer fight. But it takes courage.

“Hey (insert person’s name), it really hurts my feelings when you do/say (insert harmful action here). I would ask that you keep those comments to yourself.

“Hey (insert person’s name). I notice that you’re always commenting or giving me unsolicited advice on my divorce/looks/weight/recovery/insert whatever they’re always commenting on. I would ask that you don’t do that anymore, at least until I specifically ask for your advice.”

So, a quick heads-up when you stand up for yourself. If the person has any amount of emotional intelligence, they may take a step back and say, “Oh, wow.. Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad,” or something along the lines of that. 

Or…they may get defensive and turn it on you. They may say, “I’m only trying to help you. If you don’t want my honest opinion, then fine.” And then they might stomp away or hang up the phone or stonewall you or some other 5-year-old-at-the-playground nonsense.

If that reaction occurs, that is a HUGE RED FLAG that maybe this relationship is unhealthy. This ain’t the end of the world–it’s just an opportunity to set up healthy boundaries.

Oh, and I get you may not just be able to walk away from that person so easily. She might be a relative or close friend.

But remember–being related to someone DOES NOT give them carte blanche to treat you like poorly.

It takes a herculean effort to be confident enough to speak up and stand your ground when they push back. But until then, remember:

  1. Be aware that some of the most toxic people may be the ones closest to you
  2. Their smack-talking has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with their own insecurities
  3. You have the power to speak up for yourself
  4. Family members and close friends *do not* get to throw shade just because they’re in your life.

The post Want To Feel Better? Then Stop Hanging Around Toxic People appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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