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Understanding Trauma and the Cycles of Narcissistic Abuse

Understanding Trauma and the Cycles of Narcissistic Abuse

Do you feel caught in a narcissist-inflicted cycle of abuse?

Which part of the cycle are you at?  Is it idolise? Or is it devalue? Or maybe you’ve been discarded?

Each phase is traumatising, deeply so, exactly because they know how to hook into your unhealed trauma and make it hurt.

First, they will purport to fulfil all your dreams and desires and then turn them against you one by one.

In today’s Thriver TV episode I’ll explain to you how to relate these cycles of abuse to the trauma that we are experiencing in our body.

I deeply hope this helps you, by being able to untangle what is going on, so that you can access a faster and much more powerful recovery journey.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today, I want to truly help you understand trauma and how it relates to the cycles of narcissistic abuse.

There are three main cycles of narcissistic abuse that are perpetrated on you, these are idolise, devalue and discard. You may have heard about them and studied them.

But how do these cycles relate to the trauma that we are experiencing in our bodies at the time of these stages?

I hope that not only will you find this episode fascinating, but that it will also help grant you vital information regarding your recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Okay, so just before we get started I’d like to thank all of you who have subscribed to my channel for supporting the Thriver Mission and spreading the word that it is now possible to heal for real from narcissistic abuse.

If you haven’t yet subscribed, please do so by clicking the link below this video.

Okay, so now, let’s get started!

 

The Trauma of “Idolise”

In the love bombing stage of narcissistic abuse, the narcissist is hooking into our past traumas.

Let me explain. These are the traumas of not feeling seen, heard or met.

Maybe, we felt invisible in a family of origin or in previous relationships. Yet, now, the narcissist has turned on the love gushing and attentiveness in such a way that we feel SO “met”. This causes us to feel like a parched person lost in the desert who has just found their oasis.

Narcissists are highly skilled at working out very quickly what has hurt you and what you are missing in your life. They then turn it on to seemingly grant you the rectification and a surplus of these specific things.

Thus, you bond very quickly with this person and let them into your heart, soul and life. It totally is the feeling of having connected with your soul mate.

In relation to a family member, or a work colleague or friend or another connection in your life, the idolise stage is about flattering you or being nice to you in order to groom and mine you to fulfil their own agenda.

Trusting the narcissist is vital for them to secure narcissistic supply, which is the energy from you that allows him or her to feel that they exist.

Possibly, you have experienced deception, betrayal and even adultery in your previous relationships. If a high functioning narcissist realises this, then they can purport to you that honesty, loyalty and monogamy are very important values to them and that they would never hurt you.

Of course, you may feel like you have hit the jackpot!

The same goes if you feel that you have been engulfed, controlled and distrusted previously, and this person seems to grant you space and trust in spades!

Here is this dream person you have been waiting for all your life!

Of course, we can say “How horrible that people dupe people in this way, pretending to be something that they aren’t!” Yet I promise you that thinking you’ve been “duped” equals how to lose regarding taking your power back and generating your safe, loving and healthy life.

As a Thriver, it’s vital to understand that we are responsible for our own boundaries and not to put them in the hands of other people who could be lying to us!

Healing and empowering and shoring up our own lives is never about stopping everybody else from lying, it’s about us being anchored in our loyalty, truthfulness and healthy boundaries to ourselves.

Absolutely, once upon a time, I chose to trust people blindly, even when my Inner Being was flashing extreme warning signs to me.

I ignored the signs because I didn’t want to speak up, rock the boat or risk this person leaving me because I didn’t “trust” them.

Now, as a result of trusting myself, I understand the following truths that apply to all of us regarding the previous traumas that have caused us to be susceptible to pathological and toxic individuals.

These understandings are vital to shore up not being able to lay boundaries or create our healthy and safe truth regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing:

1) If we inwardly meet the traumas from our birth families and previous relationships and heal them, then we will not be susceptible to somebody offering us “being saved” from these traumas. We have already achieved that for ourselves.

2) When we are healed and whole, we can take our time with people and get to know their character before committing our soul, body, life and finances to them.

3) If we have done enough inner work on our traumas, we can be ourselves. Meaning we can easily speak up, have the difficult conversations and be willing to walk away from any person and deal that starts to become unhealthy for us.

Okay now let’s get onto the next stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle.

 

The Trauma of “Devalue”

In the devaluing stage of narcissistic abuse, the narcissist is triggering our past traumas as well – the traumas of being invalidated, unloved and others not recognising us as good and honest people.

When the narcissist switches from being attentive, loving and caring, into starting to attack the very wounds that we thought that he or she was easing for us, it is intensely painful.

The promise of love, wholeness and safety that we were feeling, is now in dire jeopardy.

In regard to a family member, or any other narcissistic relationship, it’s extremely painful that this person, now, is not treating us how they should.

After feeling seen, heard and met (in the idolise stage) now there is cruel indifference, insults and abandonment.

After once being assured of loyalty and fidelity, we are now incredibly anxious that the narcissist is being disloyal and even adulterous behind our back.

After believing that we are honoured and given space and trusted, the accusations and insinuations start flying. And they cannot be appeased or resolved, no matter what we say or do.

What is happening?

The life that we thought we would be having with this person, or should be having, has turned into a nightmare.

Again, we get horrifically hooked into the insanity of it all, fighting to try to get this person to return to the “wonderful” person who we believe they should be. The harder we try to get them to do this, the worse things get.

So many of us have been there.

I was there too, fighting for accountability, sensibility and kindness that were impossible to get, and experiencing escalating abuse every time I tried.

What is the message in this?

This … the narcissist was never going to stop this behaviour or help us heal because he or she is not the saviour of these traumas.

The narcissist is the messenger of them.

What is it that is getting triggered from within you?

For me it was injustice, invalidation, betrayal and feeling intensely engulfed and distrusted.

These have been traumas which had plagued me all my life, and as a result of narcissistic abuse, they had hit critical mass. They were making me sick; they were breaking me down, they were destroying the fabric of my very Inner Being.

I was being attacked by him with my wounds. They were the bullets that he was using against me.

I had missed this message before. Now it was a whopping great billboard that had almost completely flattened me.

The message is the same as it is for all of us …

Turn inwards and become our own saviour by finding and healing these original traumas that are keeping us hooked into the narcissist trying to force him or her to “do it differently this time”.

The truths to embrace in this stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle are:

1) If we heal the traumas that are being dreadfully triggered in the devaluing stage, then we will emerge unaffected, no longer trying to get the narcissist to stop behaving like this. This is because we are no longer triggered by this person.

2) Then, because this behaviour is no longer our reality, (we no longer have the inner wounding that matches it) we will speak up, lay boundaries and leave if healthy behaviour is not forthcoming.

3) There is no longer a need for “closure”, “accountability” or the narcissist to “get it” or “make amends”. We have taken the gift of our own healing and evolution forward as well as the personal resolution and up-levelling in our life that was necessary.

4) In the future, we can be very quick to reject people who don’t have the resources to have healthy relationships with us. This is because we are no longer playing out the painful unconscious patterns of our old original wounds.

 

The Trauma of “Discard”

In many ways, this stage of the cycle triggers the most intense and panicked emotions of all.

This is where we come face-to-face with the huge terror of “abandonment”.

This one was enormous for me, as it is for so many of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse.

When I was abandoned by both narcissists, I freaked out. I would feel like I was dying. I would literally shake and even vomit with the terror of being “left to die”.

This deep primal trauma is embedded in so many of us, deeply within our Inner Identity.

When it goes off within us, we may hand over all our rights, values and even soul to try to not be abandoned. We can’t stop going back to the narcissist, even though he or she may be treating us terribly.

This is why, when separating from him or her, despite the horrific abuse, you can’t seem to let go, move on, stop obsessing or believe that you can live without this person.

There can be many deep inner wounds tied up into these feelings, but fundamentally “abandonment wounds” as well as trauma bonding is the reason for this. Such wounds are why it is so hard to stop breaking No Contact or move on from the obsession of what happened to you.

Personally, I know that if I hadn’t turned inwards to find and completely heal my abandonment traumas that I would not be alive today. They were literally killing me.

My heart goes out to so many of you who I know and recognise are dealing with these deep primal wounds as well.

These traumas powerfully hijack your entire being and have a life of their own. Mere logic or any amount of talk therapy and cognitive information can be completely useless in the face of such intense and engulfing urges.

This is what I know is necessary when this critical mass breakdown hits you:

1) Going within with an effective tool to find, load up and release those panicked, powerful traumas in order to go free from them, is what will save you. My NARP Program does this more effectively than anything else I know. It removes the panic and the intense addictive urges to reconnect, allowing you to stay away and safe.

2) Once you are no longer triggered into young and powerless wounds that have been causing you to retain connection to somebody for deep primal needs of survival, then you start to emerge as a healthy and whole self-generative adult force of your life to yourself. (The relief of this is indescribable!)

3) Going forward you are in a much more solid, mature and whole inner emotional position to make healthy choices regarding people and situations and look after yourself no matter who or what other people are doing.

4) This establishes a powerful healthy platform to be attracted to other healthy and whole mature people in your future.

 

Trauma Recovery is Key

You may have realised that my work is ALL about trauma recovery.

Trauma is responsible for everything in our life that derails us.

Trauma is not our natural state. As humans, we think that it is normal because it has been a normal part of the traumatic human experience, but in no way is it natural.

Trauma is not Who We Really Are.

The experience of narcissistic abuse and its three cycles are all about forcing us to our knees to go within to face and release ourselves from the trauma that has been causing us to have less than humane, fulfilling and safe interpersonal experiences.

When we emerge as trauma free, we are able to make healthy and empowered choices, that eliminate unhealthy people and situations from our life.

I hope that this has helped inspire you to know that there is a way out, no matter what stage of the cycle of narcissistic abuse that you’re in.

If this deeply resonates with you, I would love you to check out my NARP program, which to date, humbly, is the most effective trauma releasing and healing system that I know of to move you up and beyond narcissistic abuse.

As well as anything else that you feel plagued and stuck with.

You can learn more about NARP by clicking this link.

And, as always, I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

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Cognitive Dissonance – How Narcissistic Trauma Bonding Creates It

Cognitive Dissonance – How Narcissistic Trauma Bonding Creates It

 

You may or may not know what Cognitive Dissonance really is.

It is the confusion of having justifications for staying bonded to somebody who is hurting us.

In other words, emotionally it is feeling horrific to stay, yet you find that you are under the spell of the narcissist no matter how badly he or she is treating you.

Many people don’t understand the real truth about why Cognitive Dissonance takes place, or the real reasons for it.

That’s what today’s Thriver TV episode is all about, explaining to you exactly why you are stuck in Cognitive Dissonance, and how to break free from it forever.

 

 

Video Transcript

Trauma bonding is a narcissistic abuse phenomenon. It makes it incredibly difficult to break away from somebody who is hurting us.

Logically this doesn’t make sense. Why would we stay with somebody who is really bad for us and who is ripping our life and soul apart?

How have we been able to reconcile and justify what is happening to us, in order to stay?

The reason that we do this is because we are suffering from Cognitive Dissonance.

And today I can explain to you what that REALLY means in this Thriver TV episode.

But before we get into the truth about why we stay attached, I’d like to thank each and every one of you for subscribing to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission.

And, if you agree with my philosophies, and haven’t yet subscribed, I’d love you to please do so, and please also pass my videos on to those in need.

Okay, so now let’s do a deep dive into what Cognitive Dissonance really is.

 

What is Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive Dissonance means we are experiencing two opposing ideas that are creating confusion.

A simple example of this would be the thoughts of, “I want to stay home and relax, but I’d really like to meet up with friends tonight”.

In the case of narcissistic abuse, an example of Cognitive Dissonant thoughts could go like this, “He/she is so abusive. I need to leave to save myself” with “He/she is only behaving like this because of a horrible childhood. I should stay and fix this”.

The Cognitive Dissonance creates the excuses for not pulling away and taking care of ourselves.

Other forms of Cognitive Dissonance can be “reasons” such as, “I know this relationship is meant to be, and I am going to stay and see it through” or worse still, “He really is a great guy, it’s me with all the problems, and I know I make him act like this” or “If I love him enough, I know I can heal him” or “I’m the only person that truly understands her. I can’t leave her, it’s my duty to stay and love her with everything I have”.

We decide to make our choices aligned with these reasons, even though our Inner Being is screaming “Wrong Town! I am breaking down!”

Why do we do this?

Why do we go with a version of truth in our head rather than listen to our emotions which are the Soul Truth of our entire life?

Because we are trauma bonded.

What does that mean?

Let’s investigate.

 

The Real Truth About Trauma Bonding

I have written a great deal about trauma bonding in the past, and there are so many ways that the narcissist behaves, which trigger us into our unhealed histories and insecurities and hook us into trying to resolve them with the person who is hurting us.

You can read more about trauma bonding here (Trauma Bonding – Is It Love Or Something Else).

Yet, when we get deeply underneath all of this, we understand the bottom line of what is really going on. It’s to do with our subconscious belief systems in relation to any topic in our life. These are the driving force of our life that hooks us up with the people, situations and events that exactly match those beliefs.

If our Inner Identity holds the belief, as a result of a traumatic past, generational wounds or painful and devastating childhoods and future adult relationships, of “Love hurts” or “The people who love me leave me/replace me/invalidate me/annihilate me” (and the list goes on and on) then this is what we continue to experience in our life.

Narcissists are famous for delivering this.

And of course, understandably, we have also formed the Inner Identity beliefs of, “I am not worth loving”, “There must be something wrong with me”, “I am incapable of getting love or my life right”. So naturally, we continue going through this over and over again.

Neuroscientists now know that our subconscious controls 40 billion bits of information per second throughout our entire systems, whereas our logical mind only controls 40 bits per second.

What do you think is pulling the strings of your life? Your almighty subconscious or your conscious thoughts?

Okay, so at this point, you may be wondering what all of this has to do with trauma bonding and Cognitive Dissonance?

Well, everything!

Your mind will come up with all the excuses and justifications to create the validity of the traumatic program.

The brain, with its limited power, defaults to agree with the powerhouse of the already existing subconscious programs.

As revolutionary neuroscientist, Dr. Joe Dispenza says, “The brain follows the body always”.

 

How Do You Escape Trauma Bonding and Cognitive Dissonance?

I will share with you how I achieved this.

I completely embraced that the Inner Belief systems I had in relation to love and relationships were filled with pain. All of my life I had felt unloved, unlovable and unworthy of love.

And of course, I’d been attempting to cover this up. I’d been trying to be worthy of love with all my might, by trying to be what I needed to be for others to love me.

Additionally, I realised that I had been making the excuses and justifications to stay with people who hurt me, and I tried to change and fix them, rather than let go and heal myself.

To rectify this, once and for all, I knew my life going forward had to be an inside job.

It was all between me and me. Focusing on anybody else was not going to give me my emancipation from this.

Most people, before understanding the deeper truths, when attempting to heal from Cognitive Dissonance try to address the problem at a level that it doesn’t exist.

They try to do it logically. The problem exists in the subconscious, not in the cognitive mind.

The issue is not the thoughts that are the “reasons” you are staying attached. These thoughts are a symptom of what is going on in the subconscious programs. Unless the subconscious programs are addressed, the thoughts will keep coming back, because the brain is following the body.

It doesn’t matter how much we talk, research and even get cognitive therapy, we may be able to hold healthier decisions for a short amount of time, yet the powerhouse of the 40 billion bits per second will have its way.

A deep shift has to happen on the inside of you, within your Inner Identity, and then your brain will follow.

Are you having the epiphany yet about why you are coming up with reasons and justifications for staying attached, or breaking no contact, or trying to go in and get accountability even though you know you can’t? Despite knowing how much extra pain it brings every time you do it?

Is it becoming clear to you what is really going on deep within you beneath the level of your conscious understanding?

If you really do get it now, I want you to stop this video and write below, “Bingo! I get it!”

That’s essential if you are going to break free from this.

You can’t know the following that I’m about to share with you, until you get to the other side of this, but I promise you it is true.

Organically, without these traumas, you are a whole, self-generative, self-honouring person who would no sooner be connected to painful and traumatic love, than a health-conscious person would eat a greasy hamburger.

I hope that this has truly helped.

Okay, so if you have had enough of the pain, and you know it’s your time to become healthy on the inside, then that’s precisely the healing work I provide.

All you need to do to get started is click this link. 

And, if you enjoyed this video please give it a like, and share with people who you know are stuck in justifications that are keeping them bonded with people who are hurting them.

And, as always, I am so looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Understanding The 4 Levels Of Trauma Inflicted By Narcissists

Understanding The 4 Levels Of Trauma Inflicted By Narcissists

 

Narcissistic abuse creates terrible levels of trauma that is so impactful that it affects every area of your life.

There are four levels of trauma that narcissists inflict and these are virtually consistent for everyone who has been abused by someone of this calibre.

In this video I share with you what it is like to lose our grip on reality, be horrifically betrayed, lose the ability to trust, and suffer terrible financial and health devastation.

Which, I know, is very likely to have been your experience! And I care about that deeply, because I know your life doesn’t need to remain devastated.

This is why, I also explain to you exactly how you can resurrect yourself from these four levels of trauma into a life that is not just recovered, but truly Thriving.

 

 

 

Video Transcript

Interpersonal relationship problems can be very traumatic.

Interpersonal relationships with narcissists take trauma to extreme levels.

The trauma sustained from narcissistic relationships is so impactful that it literally floods our Inner Being with survival programs that activate terror, horror, helplessness and powerlessness.

When we are crippled with these emotional states, it is virtually impossible to function, let alone access either the solutions or the ability to rebuild our life.

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I want to explore the four levels of trauma inflicted on us by narcissists, what it does to us, and the way to heal from this and resurrect our life.

Because I promise you in all these four levels of trauma inflicted by narcissists, are four resurrections that will elevate and evolve your life in ways that will literally hand to you your True Self and True Life.

But before we start this deep dive, I would like to thank you for subscribing to my channel and for supporting the Thriver mission. If you haven’t yet subscribed, I would love to invite you to please do, as well as like this video and share it with others who could benefit.

Alright, let’s get started …

 

Level Number One: Reality Is Skewered

The first level of trauma inflicted by narcissists is that you start to lose grip on the truth. You don’t know what is real and or what isn’t anymore. You want to believe in the good in people, and you want to believe that what they are telling you is the truth. This person is looking you straight in the eye, possibly even telling you what you want to hear and what you want to believe in, yet the real-life evidence that keeps emerging is the opposite.

You want to believe this person, and if deeply enmeshed with a narcissist, your literal security and future, let alone emotional stability, probably depends on it.

When we are trauma bonded to somebody, meaning staying attached even when our security, health, emotions and emotional state are suffering, it means that you are now actively engaged in cognitive dissonance. And it means you are having to come up with excuses and justifications in order to rationalise the emotional trauma that you are experiencing, and why you are staying.

This means, whilst ignoring your intuition, which is trying to warn you that things are unwholesome, unsavoury and unsafe, you may be telling yourself things like, ‘I’m sure it will all work out in time’, ‘Surely he or she isn’t manipulating me’, ‘No matter what happens I’m positive I can deal with it’, or all the other elaborate lies that we tell ourselves. I know myself, as well as so many others who ignored the painful inner screams of their intuition, did so at a very hefty price, especially where narcissists are concerned.

Resurrection Number One: Becoming Self-Partnered Brings Truth and Power

The Thriver message, recovery and healing path in all of this, is to come home to yourself and be self-partnered to the level where you are healing your Inner Being, aligning with your intuition and starting to live in truth, backing your own values and healthy needs, regardless of what other people are doing. Many of us, never really knew what that was, until requiring Thriver recovery from narcissists.

By turning inwards to meet and start releasing your wounds with complete self-love and self-devotion, powerfully creates you being self-partnered.

To have the experience of discovering what being self-partnered really means, I’d love you to join me in my free webinar.

If you haven’t yet done it, I can’t suggest it enough because you’ll start feeling what self-partnered is. You’ll see the link to that with this video.

Level Number Two: Feelings of Betrayal Are Triggered

After being lied to by narcissists, and horrifically abused by them, we feel deeply betrayed. This is an incredible trauma activated within us, that can even destroy our faith in interpersonal relationships altogether.

This is a fracture to the very fabric of your Inner Being which of course profoundly desires connection. Yet, how can you risk connecting, and letting somebody deeply into your inner world and emotions ever again?

Maybe, after being narcissistically abused, and feeling soul raped at this level, you may feel it would be impossible to trust another human being again.

I completely understand this, because I used to feel like this too.

Resurrection Number Two: Becoming a Source To Yourself

I want you to know though, with all of my heart, there is a way to heal all of this. It starts with understanding one of the greatest lies that we have all been fed, as human beings, in regard to relationships.

We believed that it was other people’s responsibility to give us our own wholeness, meaning our own levels of love, approval, security, and survival. As children, this was very true, that was our parents’ or guardian’s job. Sadly, many of our adult caretakers were brought up in less than emotionally healthy environments and may never have been whole and healthy enough themselves to be able to effectively do that job.

It’s incredible to see in our world that the most important education of all, how to be a healthy, emotionally whole person, imparting and granting this essential human foundation to one’s offspring, is not the number one curriculum on this planet. It’s not even a subject that is taught on this planet.

Via narcissistic abuse, this make or break deal fractured our inner relationship with ourselves as well as the ability to create healthy ones with others. Now, we have the opportunity to wake up to the truth — that recovery requires healing our relationship with our Self to establish the love, approval, security, survival, wholeness, and capacity that we need to be for ourselves.

Then we will no longer hold people responsible and cling to them, as we did as children, trying to make these people grant us ourselves.

I found personally, as well as in the lives of so many Thrivers who have worked with NARP, that as a result of releasing our traumas and returning back to our True Self state, we understand the greatest truth of all — our levels of love, approval, security and survival really have nothing to do with other people or whether or not they could betray us. All along, this was really about how we were betraying ourselves, unknowingly, by putting the generation of our truth, value and our entire life into the hands of others, as we did as of course we did as children when we had no choice in the matter.

As adults we do have a choice; we can heal and develop to fully take on this responsibility for ourselves.

Then we know nobody can betray us unless we’re betraying ourselves.

 

Level Number Three: Loss of Resources

Narcissistic abuse is not just painful, it’s usually materially incredibly expensive. The amount of money and resources that gets thrown away trying to survive these relationships is horrific. Narcissists are like a black hole that suck not just energy, health and sanity, they also gobble up finances — literally.

It is extremely common as a result of narcissistic abuse to lose much if not everything you have worked your whole life for, up to that point.

This happened to me, and it happens to more people than you could even imagine. Many people believe that this means that they will never be able to rebuild and that their life will never be the same. It’s understandable why people think like this because narcissistic abuse often happens to people in midlife and beyond.

Naturally, if we have been very attached to achievement and accomplishments as our core identity, the trauma that we suffer through material loss is devastating. More than it just being an ego injury, it also may trigger within you the white-hot terror of not believing that you are going to be able to survive.

This was definitely the case for me. The horror was so bad, I thought I would die.

Resurrection Number Three: Truly Valuing Yourself

The necessary shift out of the trauma of all of this is to wake up to another profound truth, that the value of my soul was far greater than the perceived value of my accomplishments.

Personally, I was never going to rebuild anything in my life if I didn’t start from the bottom up, which was understanding that I was valuable and worthy as a human being, as I was, regardless of what I did or didn’t have.

It wasn’t until I was willing to love, approve, accept and partner with myself, traumas, financial devastation and all, that life itself and all of the resources in life could begin to do so as well.

The gift in my resurrection from shocking financial trauma was being able to finally anchor into the truth that I am safe and whole, and flourished and nourished by all of life simply because I exist. In no way did healing my beliefs at this core level make me delusional or lazy or entitled. Rather, it allowed me the ability to feel inspired and flowing without fear, without the necessity to try to produce material wealth in order to feel worthy or as a requirement to survive.

It also allowed me to accept opportunities, support and abundance in droves from life itself, matching my newly established healthy belief systems.

Finally, for the first time in my life, it allowed me to rebuild my life from a place of joy, purpose and inspirational creation without conditions on the outcomes.

Losing everything I had, to finally heal my fractured survival beliefs, was more than worth it.

The reason I am sharing my profound personal soul experience with this, is because I know, regardless of your survival struggles, exactly the same is true for you too.

I have seen so many beautiful people in this community, who statistically did not have the supposed qualifications, and were not at what is considered to be a financially productive age, start generating greater prosperity and abundance than they ever had previously.

All as a result of finally honouring their Inner Being first.

 

Level Number Four: Devastated Health

It is beyond traumatic to suffer the health symptoms of narcissistic abuse. Things like anxiety, depression, CPTSD, fibromyalgia, adrenal fatigue and any of the emotional, nervous system and physical breakdowns, all brought on by the horrific stress of abuse and living non-aligned with our soul truth.

Maybe as a capable, resourceful person, with a previously very high tolerance to stress, you were shocked to discover that this time around you couldn’t just pick yourself up off the ground and get on with It.

The effects of narcissistic abuse are like slamming into a brick wall. When life can no longer go on as normal, this is when things need to change. And the only thing that can change is the change that you make within yourself.

I know for myself, that I had always been high functioning and treated my body like a machine, to get things done, and certainly not as something to honour, connect with and love.

Resurrection Number Four: Release the Trauma Generating the Symptoms

Sadly, traditional abuse recovery purports that certain nervous system conditions such as PTSD are conditions that we will have for life.

Nothing is further from the truth.

PTSD and other nervous system disorders are all symptoms of trauma accumulated in our Inner Being at levels so extreme that parts of us break. However, when we turn inwards and release the trauma causing these conditions, then as the trauma goes the condition heals, and often this happens very quickly.

Like so many others, I was told I would never heal and recover from my abuse symptoms and would have to manage them for the rest of my life with antipsychotics.

I know, likewise, there are many of you in this community who had similar diagnoses, who are now living completely trauma-free and are Thriving.

Thank goodness, like those of us who don’t wish to live a disintegrated life, I didn’t accept that diagnosis, or I would never have self-partnered, turned inwards and freed myself from these inner traumas. And I would never have realised the ability to continue doing the same for the rest of my life, on literally any topic that is generating any less-than state.

I am now mentally and emotionally and physically the healthiest in my 50s than I’ve ever been in my entire life, even way before being abused. And I have the absolute joy of seeing so many of you, who are doing the inner work in this community, enjoying and shining your radiance as well.

This is what I wish for all of us, even if it feels like it’s a million miles away for you right now, the reality of profound, unprecedented healing from the inside out.

Okay, I hope that this episode has spoken to you. I know that these four levels of trauma are consistent virtually for everyone who has been narcissistically abused.

If this did resonate with you, and you want to resurrect your life and all these four areas in spectacular ways, then come with me by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos please make sure that you subscribe to my channel, and if you liked this video click like and make sure you share it with others so that they can also wake up to the truth.

And as always I look forward to your comments and questions below.

 

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The Trauma Is In The Body … Not The Brain!

The Trauma Is In The Body … Not The Brain!

 

In today’s Thriver TV episode I deeply explain to you the truth about trauma.

Trauma is not logical, trauma is emotional.  The brain follows the body – always.

You cannot think your way out of your suffering or the devastation and intense challenges with a narcissist, therefore you can’t heal for real from narcissistic abuse by using your mind.

But there is good news – a way to not only release the trauma inside of you but also to access the shortest, most direct and powerful passage through to calm, aligned, powerful thoughts that will lead you out of abuse and into your new life.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today’s Thriver TV may help you understand trauma at a level that changes everything.

And not only changes your understanding of it but also makes an incredible difference regarding how you can heal from it.

These revolutionary understandings are what have made the difference between people merely managing abuse and trauma systems, or truly recovering from them.

Before I share this incredibly vital information with you, I would just like to take a moment to thank everybody who has subscribed to my channel for supporting the Thriver mission, and for those of you who haven’t yet, please do and if you like this episode also make sure that you like and share it.

Trauma Doesn’t Reside In Our Brain

I really want you to understand that, yes, our brain is severely affected by trauma, however, that is not the seat of where our trauma is.

Trauma is not logical, trauma is emotional.

It is crucial for you to understand that when we think, talk and research, this cognitive part of our brain is not in contact with our limbic and emotional systems where our trauma is stored.

Let’s say these following statements together;

“I think devastated.”

“I think horrified.”

“I think powerless.”

All of these statements are coming from the cognitive frontal part of our brain, which is not in contact with our visceral experience inside our body.

It’s our internal experience that is driving our life, that is shaping it as the people we are, because it is responsible for what we believe about ourselves, life and others.

We think that how we feel is because of our thinking, yet the real truth is our thinking follows our feeling always.

When we go back to those three statements that we just said, our ‘thinking’ has nothing to do with these feelings. We know that these statements should be, ‘I feel devastated’, ‘I feel horrified’, ‘I feel powerless’.

Why? Because these states are feelings, they’re not ‘thinkings’.

The way we are thinking is because these feelings are happening as our inner experience.

 

The Brain Follows The Body Always

To understand the body brain connection, we need to realise how vitally our feelings control our consciousness, and therefore our thinking.

When we are experiencing the visceral emotional hijacking of trauma, what we discover is that our thinking is not calm, measured and capable of finding solutions to the feelings that we’re experiencing.

Rather, we are likely to be thrown into uncontrollable bouts of “stinking thinking”. What we discover is that our thinking is stuck in the matching experience of our inner feelings. And yet, we try so valiantly to change our feelings in our body by trying to force our brain into healthier ways of thinking.

But we just can’t consistently access and then continue to hold saner thinking. And maybe no matter how hard we try, we just keep defaulting back feeling hopeless, helpless and powerless. Then we think, ‘this is just our lot’ and we try fruitlessly to get ourselves out of what seems like a completely traumatising situation, with no end to it.

This is normal. And this is why it is so usual to wonder ‘what on earth is wrong with me? Why can’t I get it through my head that this person is no good for me, is destroying me, and that I need to get away and stay away?’ And we wonder when we actually do crawl away and stay away, why is it that our head keeps defaulting back to all of the thoughts of the trauma, of what happened, and what we could have done differently to not have lived through what we did.

It’s common to have not just lingering thoughts of regrets, heartbreak, remorse, powerlessness, grief and such; it’s also a huge battle just trying to regain and rebuild your life. The reason for this is because your brain is following your body.

When there is trauma stuck in your body, in your visceral experience, in your limbic emotional systems, this is hijacking the integrity of your Being. It affects your consciousness and the ability for you to open up and access relief, resolution, healing, evolution, solution, and expansion.

All these things have been shut down.

It is simply not available at the level of consciousness that your internal trauma is generating for your brain. You’ve been thrown into the back part of your brain, the amygdala, which is purely focused on survival. This is not a place where a connection to The Field (which is all of life) in solution based, supportive, powerful and even miraculous ways, is available.

When we are not Thriving as a result of not understanding the body brain connection, it means that we are trapped in our primitive brain suffering intense traumatic feelings and thoughts that set up a horrifying peptide addiction.

Until we understand how and why we need to make the shift to put the body in front of the brain, it truly is a prison with no escape.

 

The Shift Into Our Body

The complete irony is that the one place we need to go to the most, is the place that we’ve all been programmed to stay out of.

Self-partnering is the only true way home to come back into our own bodies with love and devotion to do the inner healing work to find, load up, release and reprogram our trauma, so that we live free of it.

When we do this, we discover that those feelings of being devastated, horrified and powerless no longer exist. When we check into our body, instead there is a feeling of calm, warmth and even hope and power. Stunningly we discover that we can experience these feelings without even having to have any physical evidence in the world outside us to provide us with these feelings.

This is when we have started to take our power back.

We realise that we literally are Grand Creators who through our visceral emotional experience Be-come the generation of the life that we wish to live. And we may not know it at first, but when we start becoming an emotional experience inside our being, we discover organically that inspiration, hope, power, solutions, and things and people outside of us start reflecting back ‘more of the same’.

It’s then that we realise how much power we have in the creation of our life process. We also awaken to realise that when we were battling a traumatised visceral experience, trying to get things and people outside of ourselves to change or soothe us in order to try to produce better feelings, that it didn’t durably work.

It’s so ironic that the training that we had to self-avoid and self-abandon, such as don’t think about that, distract yourself, get someone to love you to try to take the pain away, eat that food, smoke that cigarette, drink that alcohol, take that pill, jump on social media, watch TV, all meant that our inner trauma remained screaming, was ignored and just got bigger and bigger.

Yet, when we went inside with love and devotion and used an effective quantum tool to reach, release and reprogram our trauma, we discovered the love that we’ve been looking for all along – the devotion, commitment and consistency to continually free ourselves of trauma and remember the incredible Quantum Creators that we really are.

This is only possible when we self-partner ourselves from within.

 

The Relief Of Self-Partnering

You may have seen that Emma Watson has been talking recently about her experience in being happily self-partnered. There are people who have criticised this, saying that it’s an excuse to try to feel better whilst being single and that people can’t be complete if single or that they’re single because they may not be able to connect to other people in healthy ways.

Nothing could be further from the truth than these assumptions. The greatest benefit of being self-partnered is that finally, you understand the body brain connection, and you are doing the work of meeting and being with yourself in a deep intimate way so that you can heal, release and self-soothe whatever your traumatic inner experiences have been.

And what you will discover is when you do that, your brain will automatically follow your body.

You will become wise, powerful, centered, solid, calm and able to access solutions, possibilities, expansion and even miracles.

That is what self-partnering in a quantum way produces when you are prepared to meet the trauma in your body, be with it with love and unconditionally and then release it. It’s not just the ultimate act of self-partnering, it’s the true way to generate your personal evolution.

Which is the true reason we are here to wake up to.

Does this make sense to you?

Can you understand now how problematic and even impossible it is to try to think our way out of trauma?

If so, I want you to write below, “I’ve woken up!”

So now, if you want to learn how to do that in safe and effective, powerful and profoundly liberating ways, then come with me into my free webinar, so that I can show you exactly how to get your brain to follow your body healthily.

You can do this by clicking this link – free webinar. 

I hope that you enjoyed this Thriver TV episode, and if you’d like to see more of them please make sure that you subscribe to my channel. Also, click like if you enjoyed this and share with your friends and family so that we can help other people wake up to the truth.

And as always, I can’t wait to join in with your comments and questions below.

Also, Aussie peeps, my live OZ Tour, where I get to join you in person, is coming up very quickly. There are only a few limited tickets left and you can claim yours here: melanietoniaevans.com/oztour

 

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Am I Being Trauma Bonded? 4 Ways To Know

Am I Being Trauma Bonded? 4 Ways To Know

 

Trauma bonding feels like love, it feels like you will die without someone and that you won’t get over the fact that you can’t have a happy and healthy relationship with this person.

I promise none of this is true.

I don’t think anyone could possibly have prepared themselves for the intense, inexplicable and deadly bonding experience that happens with a narcissist.

Today, I want to share with you the four ways to know that you are trauma bonded, as well as how to free yourself from the deadly grip of being trauma bonded to someone who is destroying you.

 

 

Video Transcript

Trauma bonding is terrifying for people.

If you are trauma bonded you will experience the feelings of wanting to stay connected and fix a relationship, regardless of how much this person is hurting you.

And, this may shock you and stun you.

You may be tormented beyond measure thinking – ‘Why do I love you so much when you abuse me like this?’

It feels like love – yet I promise you it is not.

In today’s TTV episode I am going to explain to you the four ways that you can know you are trauma bonded and how to get out of this terrible powerless state.

Okay, so before we look at these, I’d just like to thank everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do so. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

So, now, let’s look at how you know that you are trauma bonded.

Sign #1: Making Excuses for Abusive Behaviour

Truly, when you are making excuses and justifications for someone’s terrible behaviour then you are trauma bonded.

This could include focusing on the small things that are very basic common baseline requirements in any relationship, such as:

‘She tells me at times that she loves me.’

‘No matter how many times he leaves, he always comes back to me.’

‘We can sometimes laugh and have fun together.’

However, there could be things going on like horrific verbal and mental abuse, affairs, physical threats and violence – or whatever it is that means that you are being abused.

Cognitive dissonance is common amongst abuse victims, and can include excusing someone’s poor behaviour because of feeling sorry about their childhood, or believing that it is your duty to help them or fix them.

The roots of trauma bonding may make you feel terrified to let a person go. You could feel dependent on them, and that losing them would be too excruciatingly difficult to bear. This could be because you feel like you may not be able to survive alone.

Maybe you feel like you will never again meet someone who you feel so connected and attracted to and you simply have to try to make this work.

Or maybe you don’t want to ever let go of the possibility of the relationship that you always wanted with this person, even though they don’t have the resources and you continue to be abused by them.

Whichever way it goes, if your emotional self is telling you one truth ‘I am anxious, depressed, sad, angry, hurt and traumatised’ and yet you keep making the excuses mentally to stay in the relationship, then this is a sure sign that you are trauma bonded.

Sign #2: As the Abuse Intensifies You Move Toward That Person Instead of Away From Them

You may be horrified to discover that when this person lashes out and does horrific things to you that you try to fix things.

Rather than have the ability to pull away and look after yourself, you may take responsibility and apologise, or even beg and promise that you will never again do whatever the supposed crime was that you committed.

You may throw all your rights and boundaries out the window to give this person exactly what they want from you so that they won’t leave you.

Or maybe you find yourself agreeing to any condition that is demanded in the hopes that they will stop hurting you and love you instead.

Or possibly, you can pull away at times yet when the situation is out of control, you are the one who is trying to keep the peace, hold things together, find solutions and salvage things – despite inwardly knowing that things don’t and won’t get better.

Despite your efforts, any reprieve is temporary and the issues happen again, usually with more intensity and increased frequency.

Sign #3: When Disconnected From This Person You Feel Like You Are Dying

If things do get so bad that you have to leave, and you are trying to stay away to save your life, or you are discarded and this person refuses to reply to your efforts at contact and you feel like you are dying – this is a sure sign that you are trauma bonded.

Being trauma bonded creates a hugely powerful peptide addiction to this person. Heroin addicts have stated that getting off a narcissist is ten times harder than getting off heroin. Once you read and understand my publication on peptide addiction, you will understand why this is the case.

When we feel like we are dying without a person, naturally we believe it is because we love this person so much. Or we feel indebted to them and guilty or responsible for their wellbeing. But any of these bonding emotions to abusers are not true.

Rather, it is because of the chemical addiction to the trauma we have received that is now hardwired through our system.

We realise these emotions don’t make logical sense. It doesn’t make sense because these obsessional feelings are happening deep within our cellular being, beneath the level of cognitive understanding.

This is why we exclaim in complete distress, ‘How can I love someone like this, when I hate what he/she has done to me?’

‘Why can’t I stop obsessing and feeling responsible for him/her?’

‘Why can’t I just let go and get on with my life?’

It is because of the peptide addiction that has infiltrated your being – which is a serious side effect of being trauma bonded.

Sign #4: When This Person Does Something ‘Nice’ You Experience Hope and Relief

There is an incredible phenomenon that happens with trauma bonding. It’s a chemical endorphin that is experienced as ‘the high of relief’.

This happens when he stops being abusive for a moment and cuddles you and tells you everything is going to be okay.

It can happen after being caught out cheating and he breaks down, tells you he has a problem that he wants your help with and promises never to do it again.

It can happen when rather than criticise and yell at you she stops and asks, ‘What can I do to help you today?’

Or maybe, rather than tell you all the things she doesn’t like about what you have or haven’t done, she comes home and has a normal conversation with you.

It is at these times you heave a sigh of relief. If the abuse has been horrific, these moments of reprieve may be in such stark contrast that you feel like you have won the jackpot.

You may feel there is hope.

You may feel blissy on chemicals that feel like love.

The feelings of heightened relief are exactly the trauma bonding feelings people have to any addiction – the relief from the pain of the actual thing or person that IS the addiction.

For example…

Poker machines – the payout grants relief from the lost money.

Cigarettes – the puffing on a cigarette stops the terrible pangs of nicotine withdrawal.

A narcissist – being ‘nice’ or even just stopping the behaviour grants relief from abuse.

The ‘high’ is an addictive endorphin.

What Is Trauma Bonding Really and How Do You Heal From It?

Trauma bonding is being connected to someone through your internal wounds.

When we have unhealed unconscious inner parts, they play out by us becoming attached to the exact people who play out these parts with us.

For example, my primary unhealed terrors were about abandonment and not being able to survive as a woman on my own.

The abusive people I picked seemed to be men that would never abandon me (engulfers) and also they appeared powerful, protective and capable (seemingly capable in the world).

What I faced again and again was being abandoned by these men (emotionally or literally), or me having to separate from them because the trauma of staying became bigger than that of leaving.

When I was unhealed, the trauma bonding was so extreme that I did feel like I was dying and would often return.

I also lost a great deal of resources and suffered terrible financial abuse in these relationships – bringing to life all of my terrible fears of survival and security.

I clung on and tried to force these men to fix these terrors for me, but they were never the saviours of these wounds – they were the messengers of them.

Until I let go of these men and turned inwards to heal my inner traumatised parts, I was powerless to stop the terrible addictions and traumatising I experienced through trauma bonding.

Today, after healing these parts with NARP, I experience healthy happy relationships that are kind, supportive and healthy, and I have absolutely no trouble in walking away from anyone who represents abuse because I feel whole, safe and powerful within.

I want the same for you too – and know what a huge difference in your life and relationships it will create once you get there.

I so hope this video has helped.

Okay, if you want to start getting aligned with these truths to boost and actualise your recovery out of the pain and into truly healthy, wholesome and fulfilling connections, then I’d love to help you.

You can start this journey today by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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