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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SURVIVOR: Woman in dark room, word survivor written across her image

Domestic Violence: a Societal Ill, An Injustice, a Cultural Failing

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SURVIVOR: Woman in dark room, word survivor written across her image

 

When I look at myself in the mirror on a good day, I can console myself with the knowledge that I have earned every single wrinkle and bag because I am a survivor. On a bad day, I see my metaphorical scarlet letter, “S” for shame, prominently displayed on my forehead.

Most days, even the word “survivor” doesn’t sit well with me. A survivor implies strength. A survivor implies courage. Can I accept those accolades? How can I feel courageous when I feel as if I am the one to blame?

Like so many survivors of divorce and domestic violence, the fatal allure of self-blame is hard to escape. Despite guidance from my support group and knowing deep down in my heart that it isn’t true, I still hear the nagging whispers of blame and shame. And understandably so.

Domestic Violence: a Societal Ill, An Injustice, a Cultural Failing

This voice developed from the familiar chorus of well-meaning acquaintances, law enforcement, and the legal system. Anthems of “he was such a nice guy,” “why didn’t you see the red flags,” “well, there are 3 sides to every story,” and “both parents have issues” drown out voices of peace and comfort.

And my ex-husband was masterful at finding me guilty for the most absurd infractions, leaving me to wallow alone in my misery.

Blame and shame quickly became my new best friends.

But blame and shame have no room in a life that is repairing, restoring, and reclaiming itself. I reached out to friends and family desperately seeking answers to my questioning of where I went wrong. One response appealed to my rational side.

This came from my uncle who is the closest person, genetically and emotionally, to my own deceased father. It was in one of his text messages that I felt the comforting words that my own father could have said.

He reaffirmed that I had done absolutely nothing to deserve this and that neither misjudgment nor poor self-image brought the abuse upon me. He said the blame rests on the ignorance of male chauvinism that pervades many cultures.

The gravity of this statement did not go unnoticed. This issue was larger than any single relationship. It affected each and every woman. With my uncle’s words, the “S” on my forehead was starting to fade.

My personal shame faded away as incensement rose to the foreground. I realized that all women potentially faced a fate similar to mine, even my young daughter. This was a societal ill, an injustice, a cultural failing that allowed the undercurrent of misogyny to survive.

These beliefs infiltrated our communities, popular culture, and our homes.

I started to finally give myself permission to focus on impacting the future instead of second-guessing the past.

Slowly, the tired phrases of self-blame were replaced with the acknowledgment that I did not make a mistake when I married my ex, that he wasn’t a nice guy, and that in abuse, truth is the only side to the story. I could finally tell myself that this mess was not my fault.

The difference was this time I believed it. The “S” was almost unnoticeable now. As in The Scarlet Letter, “She did not know the weight until she felt her freedom.” I never realized how much shame was holding me back.

We are not drawn to our abusers.

They exist because our current culture makes it very easy for them. And it’s time we make it harder. It’s time we shift our culture from that of a hierarchy to that of equal members of the same team.

It’s time that from an early age, males and females learn to respect each other at home, school, and work. My heart is full of hope for the future, but I understand that it will not come easily. We have a power within us that our abusers underestimated.

But first, we must free ourselves of the burden of shame and realize that we are survivors.

And so, when I look in the mirror today, I see a woman who has triumphed. And my face is not the only reflection I see. I see the millions of women who have suffered and prevailed.

Their story is my story.

Their struggle is your struggle.

And best of all, their victory is for all of us.

The post Domestic Violence: a Societal Ill, An Injustice, a Cultural Failing appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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truths about domestic violence

5 Truths About Domestic Violence And Abusive Relationships

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truths about domestic violence

 

Domestic violence and abuse are becoming an epidemic in today’s culture. It is estimated that 38,028,000 women will experience physical intimate partner violence at some point during their lives.

Men can fall victim to abusive relationships as well. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1 in 10 American men have experienced physical violence, stalking, or rape inflicted by a partner. Another 1 in 7 men will be the victims of severe physical abuse at the hand of a romantic partner.

Whether the perpetrator is male or female, studies show that abusers often share the same traits of aggression, mood swings, no self-control, severe jealousy, and high rates of suspicion.

Are you or someone you know experiencing domestic violence and abuse? Here are 5 sobering facts about abusive relationships and what you can do to help.

5 Truths About Domestic Violence

TRUTH #1. It’s More Common Than We Think

Many people have a caricatured version of who they believe to be in an abusive relationship and that the abusive is obvious. That one spouse will be constantly yelling at their partner, or that bruises or other signs of physical abuse are apparent.

Perhaps they believe people in abusive relationships are from a lower socioeconomic background. But this simply isn’t true.

One sad truth about domestic violence and abuse is that they are much more common than one might think. It happens to children, teenagers, and adults, with nearly 1.5 million high school students nationwide experiencing physical abuse from a romantic partner each and every year.

It is estimated that 11,766 American women are killed every year by their husbands or boyfriends, which is more than the war in Afghanistan and Iraq combined.

Abusive relationships are common and it’s time to shed some light on the truth.

TRUTH #2. Your Spouse Becomes Extremely Possessive and Controlling

As mentioned at the onset, jealousy is a common trait of abusive relationships. Partners seek to control their spouse to prevent them from cheating. Abusers may use the following tactics to control their spouse:

  • Isolating spouse from friends and family in fear that close associates will help the victim leave the toxic relationship.
  • Threatening self-harm if a partner says they are ending the relationship
  • Resorting to physical violence to prevent a partner from socializing
  • Forcing a partner to quit their job so that they are financially reliant on the abuser

Such behavior can be traumatizing to the victim. It is estimated that 81% of women experiencing stalking, physical violence, or rape by an intimate partner will end up being injured physically or will develop some form of post-traumatic stress disorder.

TRUTH #3. Abuse is More than Physical Violence

Physical abuse is clear to define. It occurs when one partner acts violently toward the other. Slapping, kicking, grabbing, pushing, beating, or using a weapon against a partner is clear-cut, unacceptable behavior.

But one truth about abusive relationships is that abuse hardly ends with physical violence.

Emotional abuse is a common method of control done by an abuser. Emotional abuse can take the form of insults, demeaning speech, making a partner feel crazy or stupid, bipolar mood swings, blaming a partner for poor behavior, and using religion or guilt to force a partner to stay.

Statistics show that 1 in 5 women and 1 in 71 men have been raped in their lifetime. This is a facet of an abusive relationship.

Sexual abuse is marked by any unwanted sexual advances or forced intercourse. Sexual control is another form of abuse, perhaps making a partner watch adult films or participate in sexual acts they are uncomfortable with. Refusing to allow a partner to practice safe sex or sexually humiliating or degrading a partner also fall under sexual abuse.

Domestic violence and abuse can also involve withholding food, shelter, and finances from a spouse.

TRUTH #4. Not all Abusive Relationships are Obvious

While it’s true that some abusers may be negative, controlling, uncaring people, many have positive qualities that draw victims in.

Abusers are commonly charming, loving individuals who will apologize for their bad behavior only to repeat it time and again. In some cases, the abuse may not start for some time. It may even be years. An abusive relationship may start off as loving and wonderful as the start of any normal relationship. This is what makes abusers so hard to spot.

TRUTH #5. Leaving Is Hard

Often, when one hears the intimate details of an abusive relationship they will ask “Why didn’t he/she just leave?”

The truth is, abusers, do not make it easy for their partners to leave the relationship. They have physically or mentally beaten down the victim until their self-esteem is nonexistent.

A spouse may feel they are not capable of leaving. Their abuser has told them that this is the best they will ever be able to do in life or may withhold finances, their children, or other provisions to prevent a separation from occurring.

It is also common for an abuser to enter a honeymoon phase after abuse has occurred. They may be on their best behavior for a time, apologizing to the wounded spouse and promising to change their ways.

A victim’s forgiving nature or love for their spouse may compel them to stay and help their partner.

Research indicates that a victim will attempt to leave an abusive relationship 7 times before leaving for good.

Leaving an abusive situation can be very dangerous, especially for women, with most violence and deaths occurring during an attempt to leave.

Visit the Domestic Violence Intervention Program for an extensive checklist for leaving an abusive relationship in the safest way possible.

Has your relationship turned toxic? It may be in your best interest to consider separation in marriage. Put the safety of you or your children first by getting out of an aggressive and unhealthy home. If you need help getting out of an abusive situation, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text 1-800-787-3224

The post 5 Truths About Domestic Violence And Abusive Relationships appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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male victims of domestic violence

The Surprising Truth About Male Victims Of Domestic Violence

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male victims of domestic violence

Domestic violence — and allegations of violence — can be one of the most toxic issues in contested divorces. Too often, rightly or wrongly, they are likely to result in fathers getting shut out of their children’s lives and men having to make larger child support and alimony payments.

The
standard scenario — from courtrooms to movies — is that the husband has been
physically and verbally abusive, scaring and hurting his wife, often in front
of their children. He’s the goon, and his wife deserves to be rid of him.

Certainly,
many women do tragically end up victims of domestic violence, but there are two
other scenarios that can be just as true, yet receive little attention.

The first is that allegations of domestic violence are what some family law attorneys call “the nuclear option.” Lawyers tell their clients to file papers to get an order of protection if they say they feel fear, and as a way to strengthen their case.

Similarly,
if their husband raises his voice — no matter who started the fight — divorcing
might call the police. Within minutes, a squad car will show up and, without
listening to both parties, an officer will tell the husband to get his shaving
kit and clothes and then escort him off the property.

It has been estimated that 85 percent of protective orders are entered against men, with most being used tactically to get the upper hand in a divorce. Aside from the effect that these orders can have on child custody, property division, and payments to an ex-wife, men who are innocent are stigmatized and records of these orders can be found by employers or when looking for a job.

But
it’s the second scenario that is the least discussed. This is when the wife is
the abusive or violent spouse, hitting their husbands, throwing things at them,
destroying their belongings, spewing so many four-letter words that a hardened
criminal would blush, and even pulling weapons on them. 

One in four men (compared to one in seven women) experience “severe physical intimate partner violence,” according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). And this doesn’t include verbal or other forms of abusive behavior. The Mayo Clinic has also written about domestic violence against men.

While interviewing men for my book, “Man Out: Men on the Sidelines of American Life,” I heard many disturbing stories. A mother told me that her son had almost been killed by his ex-wife and fled to her house. One man recalled how his wife threw glasses and plates at him and was verbally abusive to his son from his first marriage; then, if it weren’t so troubling it would be funny, she smashed the cat’s water bowl by using it as a weapon.

Why
don’t we hear more about men who are victims — either in court or in the media?

There are a number of reasons: 1) Men are more likely to commit the most heinous acts. 2) Most advocates against domestic violence have been women’s groups. 3) Centuries of storytelling, from Othello to Hannibal Lecter, have reinforced the narrative that men are the attackers and women are the victims. 4) Law enforcement almost automatically makes this assumption. 5) Many a man feels like a “sissy” to report that the bruise on his face came from a punch by his wife, which also suggests that the CDC data may underestimate the real toll.

So,
what should men do? First, don’t be afraid to report to the police any
incidents or patterns of violence and abuse by your wife toward you or your
children.

Collect
evidence: Take photos of a bruise or scratch, a punched-in wall, or broken
glass. If possible, record the audio on your smart phone.

If
there are witnesses, ask them if they can describe what they have seen or heard
to the police or your lawyer. Write down in detail what happened (or has been
happening).

Get
your own protective order. If your children have been abused, gather any
evidence you can and protect your kids.

Evidence
is especially important since police and courts often disbelieve men who say
that they have been victimized by their wives. Tell your attorney, who can use
this information to help your case. 

Although
no man or woman should be a victim of violence or other abusive behavior, if it
happens to you, documenting and reporting it can be critically important to
your divorce case and can make a big difference when it comes to custody and
financial matters.

Andrew L. Yarrow, a former New York Times reporter and history professor, discusses these and related issues in his recent book, Man Out: Men on the Sidelines of American Life.

The post The Surprising Truth About Male Victims Of Domestic Violence appeared first on Dads Divorce.

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