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women initiate divorce more than men

Why Do Women Initiate Divorce More Than Men?

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women initiate divorce more than men

 

A 2015 study by the American Sociological Association found that women initiate two-thirds of all divorces, a staggering 69% to be exact. College-educated women initiate divorce at an even higher rate: 90%. This begs the following question:

Why do women initiate divorce more than men?

In my experience as a Women’s Empowerment Coach, I help women navigate the emotional turmoil of divorce. This would make me a pretty “pro-divorce person.” I myself divorced once. Usually, when a woman comes to me, they have already decided to divorce. But there are times that I wonder if that divorce was necessary, or was it just easier?

Last week, during my field research, I met a woman (OK, it was my makeup lady at Ulta) who immediately started to describe her marital woes to me upon my telling her of my vocation. When she told her husband she wanted a divorce, he suddenly started to do all the things she wanted him to do all along.

But in her words, “It was too little too late.” I then posed a question to her to try to get her to think harder about it: “What would happen if, instead of it being too late, you went all in? A last-ditch effort maybe, but without any strings, expectations – just pure love for your husband and your child.” She was quiet and even seemed a little annoyed.

I said, “I bet when he walks into the room he doesn’t have to say or do anything and you are already annoyed, just by him breathing.” This stirred a laugh, and she told me I nailed it. Resentment seeped into their marriage like the black plague, impossible to cure but much easier to escape. In a marriage, resentment can grow with every annoying comment, every roll of the eyes, and with every failure to connect. Resentment is a marriage killer.

Women Crave Connection, but They Don’t Know How to Ask for it

Women seek closeness and vulnerability in a marriage where, under the veil of marriage, it is safe to be real and raw with our chosen one, or soul mate. When she reaches out for that connected feeling and is met with the “wrong” response, she lays a brick down. Then one day, the wall is too high to penetrate it.

In its simplest form, deep down, women crave connection with their partners – but many women have the erroneous belief that if their husbands really loved them, they would instinctively know what their wives wanted, so a man needs to be a proficient mind-reader to know how to satisfy their wife’s need for connection.

And what makes someone feel loved and valued varies hugely from person to person. For example, a dozen red roses every Friday may symbolize love and deep connection to one woman; to another, flowers mean nothing, but feeding and entertaining the kids so she can enjoy a long, peaceful bath means everything.

This is where the communication breakdown often occurs: women not saying what it is they want (“If he truly loved me, he’d already know what I want!”), and men not “getting it” (“I can’t do anything right as far as she’s concerned, so I might as well stop trying!”) So resentment festers and the walls go up.

The internal process for a woman usually starts with her wondering why she is so unhappy. She works on herself by reading self-help books. Maybe she seeks counseling, starts exercising, or does some form of self-development. At some point, she feels a little better, but something is still off. She may feel lonely, so she looks closer at the marriage.

Looking at the marriage under a microscope reveals a multitude of infractions. He doesn’t help around the house. He doesn’t do his share to take care of the kids. He doesn’t buy her gifts. He doesn’t spend time with her. He doesn’t listen. He doesn’t connect with her at all. As a matter of fact, the marriage just feels empty to her as she investigates all of its faults.

Women have affairs too. Even though a husband’s infidelity is women’s #1 reason for divorcing, she, too, is very capable. But while infidelity is listed as the reason for divorce, what exactly was the reason for the infidelity? When I dig into that question with my female clients, they all have a similar version of “I felt so lonely.” Many times, the office romance is what made them realize this fact.

Whether or not there is infidelity, there is usually a point the woman reaches out to her husband to help “fix” things. Usually, the husband hears this and turns the blame back on the wife, or he somehow resists the criticism. After all, he thinks everything is just fine. Rarely does he hear it as the cry for help that it really is.

Why Do Women Initiate Divorce More Than Men? Men Think Everything’s Fine – Women Think the Ship is Sinking Fast

When fixing the marriage is met with resistance or even denial, the wife starts to think that a divorce is the only way to go. If he is not willing to work on it, then what else is she to do? This is the pivotal point where the word “divorce” is initiated into conversations.

Making the decision to divorce is never easy. By the time a woman says the words “I want a divorce,” she has most likely mourned the marriage and moved on, making it too late for reconciliation. This may leave her husband pretty blind-sided.

Even though the husband may feel a lot of grief, he still inflicts shame and blame, adding fuel to her fire. They both only see the faults that their spouse brings to the table, and refuse to look in the mirror.

If only he held her and asked her what she needed. If only he helped her a little more around the house and with the kids. If only he heard her complaints and took them seriously and made some changes. If only he did something nice for her to show his love for her. If only he held her without initiating sex. And if only then… he pleased her first.

Unfortunately, the last-ditch effort made by the husband often comes off as a little schizophrenic – or like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One moment he is buying her a meaningful gift, and the next moment he is furious and blaming. The couple may even go to counseling, only the madness continues because he is unable to look within for the changes needed. The marriage is unraveling fast now. Then and only then, she can no longer handle the anger, and the separation begins.

But what about the makeup lady whose husband really made the real effort? If only she could set aside the blackness in her heart that resentment built, scale that brick wall between them. If he could find a way to connect with her.

If only…

This article first appeared on DivorceMag.com

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Women, Divorce, and Depression: Are You Ignoring The Signs?

Women, Divorce, and Depression: Are You Ignoring The Signs?

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We all rush to the doctor when we come down with a physical ailment. For some reason, though we make excuses or ignore signs that point to something being off-kilter mentally.

The stigma attached to “mental illness,” results in unneeded suffering. We can admit when we have a physical illness but share the fact we are suffering from depression? No way!

Women, Divorce, and Depression

Below are a few facts about depression:

Depression is a serious medical illness; it’s not something that you make up in your head. It’s more than just feeling “down in the dumps” or “blue” for a few days. The symptoms of depression are much more severe and debilitating.

Depression is characterized by feeling “down” and “low” and “hopeless” for weeks at a time. Many factors can contribute to the onset of depression, including the presence of other physical disorders, stress, poor nutrition, physical illness, personal loss, and divorce.

Depression isn’t always easy to detect, and people with depressive conditions do not all experience the same symptoms. It may be expressed through lack of appetite or overeating; insomnia or an unnatural desire to sleep; the abuse of drugs and alcohol; sexual promiscuity; or hostile, aggressive, or risk-taking behavior.

Signs and Symptoms of Depression:

• Persistent sad, anxious or “empty” feelings.
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism.
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness.
• Irritability, restlessness.
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex.
• Fatigue and decreased energy.
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details and making decisions.
• Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping.
• Overeating, or appetite loss.
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts.
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment.

If you are in thinking about a divorce or have gone through a divorce you’ve suffered a personal loss. If that loss is causing persistent sadness or anxiety, if you are feeling hopelessness, fatigue or physical symptoms that are uncommon there is a possibility that you are suffering from depression.

Denying what may be going on or not seeking help due to shame keeps you stuck. Changing the way you view depression, letting go of denial and shame can mean changing your life.

I encourage any woman struggling with the symptoms above to talk to her doctor. It is about quality of life and we all deserve a good quality of life. And, seeking better health both physically and mentally is nothing to be ashamed of.

When I was 24 I began to have panic attacks. I was diagnosed with depression and started seeing a therapist and taking medication. Within a few months, I was no longer having panic attacks and the depression had lifted. I had whipped the ass out of the mental illness that was keeping me from living a full, rich life.

What I found hardest to recover from was the shame I felt over being diagnosed with depression. My family reacted to my diagnosis as if my character was somehow flawed. Their reaction caused me more pain than the depression I had suffered.

I felt less worthy in their eyes. As rational as I am I bought into their idea that mental illness was an indication that I had less value as a person. It took me a few months to work through and cure my depression. It took me far longer to overcome the shame I felt due to other’s opinions of my diagnosis.

I work with clients as a Divorce Consultant. I’m always surprised by the negative reactions when I tell a client I feel they need to talk to their doctor about the possibility of depression. Or they need to seek therapy with a professional who can help them work through their issues.

It has been 30 years since my diagnosis. There is more awareness about mental illness but, the stigma remains. People’s minds have not changed but, if you are suffering and feel you need help, it is only one mind that needs to change. Make that mind, your mind.

When it comes to depression ignorance is not bliss. Hell, there is no bliss at all. I urge you to seek help if you are suffering any of the symptoms above. There is no shame in being pro-active and doing whatever needs to be done so you can live life to the fullest.

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Let’s Talk Divorce: 4 Ways The Family Court Fails To Protect Women During High Conflict Divorce

Let’s Talk Divorce: 4 Ways The Family Court Fails To Protect Women During High Conflict Divorce

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We hear a lot about how women are favored during divorce but, in my opinion, the opposite is true. No one can hold onto resentment and anger like a man and nothing proves that more than the outrageous behavior by some during a high conflict divorce.

A woman’s only recourse is the protections afforded her by the Family Court and, bless our hearts, there aren’t many protections there.

I know a woman who has been divorced for over 12 years and still has legal issues with her ex. He constantly files a petition or motion with the court. It can be for something as simple as extracurricular activities her children are involved with to not liking the therapist her children are seeing. He makes NO attempt to negotiate and settle issues with the mother of his children. There is no emailing back and forth over a certain situation. He goes straight to the courts.

A woman has no defense against such a man. She is vulnerable to such a man’s whims because the Family Court allows the nonsense to continue year after year.

She has NO protection!

4 Ways The Family Court Fails to Protect Women During High Conflict Divorce

1. Failure to Protect Against Defiant Exes

If a woman is divorced from a man who defies court orders, she has no recourse via the Family Court. She can file a contempt of court motion but that’s like pissing into the wind. She will spend money on an attorney only to get a new order and listen to a judge tell her ex to “get it done or else,” and the or else never happens. The problem with contempt of court is this, a new court order means nothing to a man with a history of defying court orders.

2. No Protection from Crushing Financial Expense of Divorce

Most women going through the divorce process are stay-at-home Moms or the lower income earner in the marriage. They start the divorce process in a one-down position because they don’t have access to the best attorneys and experts to advocate for them. The Family Court takes none of this into consideration during the process and there is an old saying that is true, “the one with the money wins in Family Court.”

3. No Protection for Victims of Domestic Abuse

Victims of domestic violence are especially vulnerable in the Family Court system. Their main concern is naturally protecting their children from a violent man and with the courts’ main focus on not separating a child from a parent, the domestic abuse victim has to have substantial evidence of abuse to protect their children via the court.

What professionals fail to realize is that women in abusive situations don’t call attention to their abuse. Doing so can only lead to more abuse. So, instead of going to the emergency room so they’ve have a record of injuries or filing police reports, they stay quiet out of fear of inviting more abuse upon themselves and their children.

If a woman doesn’t have substantial evidence of abuse and brings up accusations of abuse in court she can be viewed as making false allegations of abuse and attempting to alienate a father from his child. Women all over the country are losing custody rights to violent men due to the lack of protection abuse women received in the Family Court.

4. Failure to Protect Children from Harm

If you’re divorced from a bully hell-bent on using your child as a pawn to punish you, the “best interest” doctrine, flies right out the window. A Family Court judge will NOT hold a man harming his children emotionally, accountable. I think they believe that a bad father is worse than no father so, purposely put children in harm’s way so they can tell themselves “at least the child still has 2 parents.” And, as someone who raised her children alone, with no contact from their father, I can say that, that belief is straight up BS!

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9 Marital Problems Only Women Face

9 Marital Problems Only Women Face

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There is one thing every married couple will tell you…marriage is hard. Whether it’s the first few months or year twenty-five, men and woman who are invested in their marriage all know the big and small things that push their buttons and make marriage downright tough at times.

While researching marital problems I was caught off guard by all the articles I found that pointed out the things women could/should do to make their marriage better. Hmmm, I thought, what about men, do they not have a responsibility to work on the marriage also?

Then my mind wondered to how often problems in a marriage are caused by men alone. Out of curiosity I emailed ten married women friends and asked, “What does your husband do that drives you crazy?” And, the responses I received were all things I’ve heard in the past when counseling married couples.

Based on that, I’m going to go out on a limb and say, there are things that are common to men that negatively impact a wife and, as a result, damage the marriage. Maybe men should put some thought into changing these behaviors? What do you think?

Below are 9 Marital Problems That Only Women Face

Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

1. He never attends the kid’s school activities.

Four out of the ten woman I emailed listed this as one of the things their husband never does. My friend Julie said, “On top of that, he couldn’t tell you the names of the children’s teachers and would probably have a hard time telling you the names of their schools.”

This made me wonder if some fathers out there aren’t understanding the value of fatherhood. Especially in this day and age when fathers are more hands on with their children. Are men who don’t make their children’s school activities a priority devaluing their role in their children’s lives or, are they devaluing the importance of those activities?

Whatever the reason, some of these men need a talking to. They need to get their ass in gear and become involved in their child’s school activities. Why? Because they are fathers and that is what fathers should be doing.

2. He is still attached to his mother’s apron strings.

Two friends had this on their list. Amanda said, “I swear, we’ve never taken a family vacation without his mother. If we go out antiquing on a Saturday afternoon we swing by and pick up his mother!”

Jennie shared this story, “We decided to buy our first home. He HAD to have his mother’s input on our buying budget, what neighborhood would be best to buy in and how many bedrooms we should look for. I finally stood back and let him and his mother go house hunting together.”

These guys aren’t still attached to their mother by their apron strings. They’re still attached by the umbilical cord! Can you say, “Mama’s boy?”

These guys are either driven by guilt or had domineering mothers and are afraid of the backlash if they don’t include their mother.

There are men who love their mother and, out of guilt will include their mother where she shouldn’t be included. A good mother will recognize this tendency in her son and not allow it to carry on for a prolonged period of time. Then there are the domineering mothers who feel they should be number one in their son’s lives.

If you are dealing with a domineering mother-in-law and a fearful husband, get thee to a marital therapist!

3. He expects too much of her.

My friend Rose wrote, “He expects me to take time out of my job to take the kids to the doctor, to their school activities, to take care of EVERYTHING concerning the home, the automobile and whatever else may come up in our daily lives. His excuse is, “I make more money than you so you should be the one to lose time from work.”

Ouch! I know how important Rose’s career is to her. She may make less money but that is no reason for her husband to dismiss what is important to her. And, it is certainly no reason to dump more responsibility on Rose!

Rose needs to set boundaries, have an intensive discussion with her husband about who is responsible for what and stop doing it all just because he makes more money.

4. He reneged on how many children they would have.

This one is sad in many ways. Emily and her husband had discussed how many children they would have before marrying. When the time came to talk about child number three her husband shut down the conversation and informed her he was done fathering children.

You can’t force someone to have another child if they don’t want more. Not if you love them anyway. And, it is possible, after becoming a parent to change one’s mind about how many children they want.

Life can look vastly different after marriage and parenthood than it did during the planning stages. This is a situation where Emily is probably going to need to validate his feelings about another child and sacrifice her desire for one more.

I suggest Emily wait and see what happens as time goes by. As the two children, they have now grow, her husband may begin to long for another child also. If not, this is a situation in which Emily is going to have to respect her husband’s desire to have no more children.

5. She wants more sex, he doesn’t.

Connie wrote, “We have sex, on average, twelve times a year. I long for sex at least once a week. Any discussion with him about the difference in our levels of desire turns into him shutting down and telling me “it’s not about me, it’s about him.”

I wouldn’t classify Connie’s marriage as sexless but, it is definitely sex starved…for Connie anyway. I don’t think Connie asking for sex once a week is asking for too much. I also don’t think that Connie’s husband is investing enough concern over the fact that his wife is feeling rejected sexually.

These two need to be in therapy and, Connie’s husband needs to see a Urologist to find out if there is a physical reason for his lack of desire for sex. This is a husband who either has a physical problem or a psychological problem that is interfering with his ability to engage in a normal sex life with his wife. The underlying issue needs to be addressed!

6. He is a slob.

I have very little to say about this. If he is a slob, it’s because he has been allowed to get away with being a slob. If you’re picking up after him, he has no reason to pick up after himself.

I know for many of you neat-freak types, this is a hard one. But how is he supposed to become self-sufficient if you keep doing everything for him? Don’t worry; I have a solution for you! When your husband drops his dirty clothes next to the hamper instead of in the hamper, or at the side of the bed, or on the living room floor, wad them up, stuff them on his side of the closet, and close the closet door. There!

Now you don’t have to look at them anymore! Of course, he won’t notice the giant pile of clothes on the closet floor, but he will notice when he finally runs out of clean stuff to wear. When he asks you where his clothes are, say: “Oh, I only wash clothes that make it into the hamper. Anything that wasn’t in the hamper I figured wasn’t dirty, so I put it back in the closet. On the floor.” This works. I know from experience.

7. He thinks housework is women’s work.

According to my friend, Andre, her husband watches games on the weekend while she cleans house. He plays golf while she uses her Saturdays off work to take the kids for haircuts or to buy new shoes. Refer to #6 for a cure for this problem.

Although it won’t be easy, if the house becomes dirty enough and the kid’s hair becomes too long, when he mentions you slacking on your “women’s work,” tell him, in no uncertain terms, that you’re on strike until he moves his ass and beliefs into the 21st century and starts pulling his weight.

8. He doesn’t share his feelings and thoughts.

I suggested my friend Bromliegh get herself and her husband into therapy. There are many reasons men clam up and refuse to share their feelings and thoughts. Some of which are marriage and relationship killers. That problem is an entirely other article. So, if you’re having this problem, therapy is where you need to be.

9. He is obsessed with sports.

My friend Leah is a true, football, baseball and basketball widow. It’s so bad at her house the only time they take a family vacation is to travel to a sporting event.

Leah’s husband’s involvement in sports is excessive by any measure, and his indifference to her emotional needs is selfish. He needs to understand that his sports fixation makes Leah question his loyalty, and that to rebuild their relationship he needs to limit his involvement. He entitled to watch and play sports, but he can’t let them dominate his life to the extent that his wife feels neglected.

They need to come together and honestly express to each other how sports became more important than the relationship and work out a schedule where they are both getting what they need. Leah is going to need to give him time with his sports and television, he is going to have to push back from the television and spend quality time with his wife and children.

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legal rights for women during divorce

11 Legal Rights for Women During Divorce

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If you are going through a divorce, or are about to go through a divorce, you have many important legal rights. The Constitution, the U.S. Supreme Court, as well as the laws of many states, guarantee you a number of rights and protections.

Your ex-spouse may try to “run you through the wringer.” However, you have legal rights, which can prevent him from doing that. Some of the many legal rights, which frequently arise in divorce cases, include:

11 Legal Rights for Women During Divorce

The right to notice and opportunity for a hearing 

The Fourteenth Amendment to the Constitution says that no state can deprive you of life, liberty, or property without due process of law. The Supreme Court has held that this means that, before a court takes any action against you, the court has to notify you, and the court has to give you an opportunity to present your argument in court. Thus, a court cannot grant your ex-spouse a divorce, or make any ruling regarding custody, visitation, property division, or alimony, without first notifying you and giving you an opportunity to respond.

The right to a neutral decision-maker

The Supreme Court has also held that the “due process” clause guarantees you the right to a judge who is neutral. Thus, if you have a judge who is biased (for example, is your ex-spouse’s relative or friend) then you have the right to ask that the judge recuse himself from your case.

The right to file your divorce petition for free, if you can’t afford the filing fee

Most states require you to pay a filing fee when you file your divorce petition. But, in Boddie v. Connecticut, the Supreme Court ruled that the state cannot deny you the right to a divorce if you can’t afford to pay the filing fee. So, if you want to file for divorce and can’t afford to pay the fee, ask the court clerk for a “pauper’s affidavit” which will allow you to file for free.

The right to remarry someone of another race

In Palmore v. Sidoti, the mother, who was white, divorced her husband, and obtained custody of their three-year-old daughter. The mother then remarried an African-American. The trial court then changed custody of the child to the father; the trial court held that, because of the “social consequences of interracial marriage,” it was not in the child’s best interests to grow up in a household with a stepfather of a different race.

The Supreme Court reversed the trial court. The Supreme Court ruled that the trial court could not take the race of the stepparent into consideration when awarding custody. The mother had the constitutional right to marry anyone regardless of race. So, it the mother married interracially, the trial court could not penalize the mother for her marriage, by removing the child from her custody.

The right to custody of your children if your ex-spouse dies

The Supreme Court has stated that, if your ex-spouse dies, the state must return your children to you, unless a court rules that you are an unfit parent. A court cannot rule that you are an unfit parent unless the court first gives you notice and a hearing.

In many states, you cannot be denied custody simply because you are a woman

In much of the nineteenth century, the husband was considered the “head and master” of the household, and the husband would automatically obtain custody of the children when the parties divorced. Then, in the late nineteenth century, many states changed their laws and created the “tender years doctrine,” which held that courts were to prefer the mother in child custody cases.

Since the 1970s, many states have passed laws stating that the predominant consideration in custody cases is the “best interests of the child,” and that a court may not prefer to award custody to either parent because of the gender of that parent. The Supreme Court, however, has not yet ruled on this issue, and the laws vary from state to state. It would be wise to consult an experienced family attorney to see what the law in your state says on this issue.

If a third-party, who is not a parent, seeks visitation with your child, the court must give your decision “special weight.”

In Troxel v. Granville, the Supreme Court held that parents have a “fundamental right … to make decisions concerning the care, custody, and control of their children.” Troxel held that a consequence of this right is, if someone other than a parent seeks visitation with a child, the court must give the parent’s decision “special weight.” This holding often comes into play when grandparents seek visitation.

This does not mean, however, that a court may never award visitation to a non-parent. The Supreme Court did not specify exactly how much weight a trial court must give to a parent’s decision; the Court said, “We do not, and need not, define today the precise scope of the parental due process right in the visitation context.” However, Troxel makes clear that a court may not award visitation to a non-parent simply because the court believes visitation would be in the child’s best interests.

The right to have your case heard in a state with which you have some contact

In general, you must have some contact with a state, in order for a court of that state to have jurisdiction to hear your case. The state in which your case may be heard depends in part on the issues being adjudicated.

Granting of a divorce – which state may hear the case?

A court may grant a divorce decree if either spouse resides in the state where the petition is filed. Thus, if your husband files a divorce petition in his state of residence, the court may grant him a divorce decree even if you have no connection with the state. See Williams v. North Carolina. However, the court may not adjudicate financial issues, or custody issues, unless you have some type of contact with the state.

Adjudication of financial issues – which state may hear the case?

The Supreme Court has held that, in a divorce case, a court may not adjudicate financial issues (for example property division and alimony) unless the defendant has “minimum contacts” with the state. In Kulko v. Superior Court, the father, who lived in New York, bought his daughter a one-way plane ticket to California, where the girl’s mother lived. The mother then filed a motion in a California court. In the motion, Mother asked the California court to modify Father’s financial obligations which had been entered in the original divorce decree.

Father’s only connection with California was that he had bought his daughter a one-way plane ticket to go there. The Supreme Court held that Father’s buying his daughter an airline ticket to California was not enough to give a California court jurisdiction to rule on financial issues related to the divorce. In the Supreme Court’s view, Father did not have minimum contacts with California.

The Supreme Court has not precisely defined “minimum contacts”, and the law on minimum contacts is highly complex and takes up the space of many law school lectures and textbooks. However, other Supreme Court cases have said that in order to have minimum contacts with a state, a person must have “purposefully avail[ed] [her]self of the privilege of conducting activities within the forum State,” and “the defendant’s conduct and connection with the forum State [must be] such that he should reasonably anticipate being haled into court there.”

So, in order for a court to have jurisdiction to rule on financial issues in your divorce case, you must have purposefully availed yourself of conducting activities with the state, and your conduct and connection with the state must be such that you should reasonably anticipate being haled into court there. (The Supreme Court has also held that, if you do not have “minimum contacts” with a state, a court of that state may still hear financial issues in your divorce case, if you are served with the summons when you are present in the state.)

Adjudication of child custody and visitation – which state may hear the case?

The Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act (UCCJEA) governs the venue for child custody decisions. The UCCJEA is state law, not federal law, but, because all fifty states have adopted the UCCJEA, then your rights under the UCCJEA are similar anywhere in the country. The UCCJEA is highly complex, and cannot be fully discussed here. However, to sum it up, the UCCJEA says that a court may not make a child custody determination unless at least one of the following is true:

  • The state is the child’s home state on the date the case was filed or was the child’s home state less than six months before the case was filed, but a parent or person acting as a parent continues to live in the state; or
  • No other state has jurisdiction, or a court of the child’s home state has declined to exercise jurisdiction, and
  1. The child and the child’s parents, or the child and at least one parent or person acting as a parent, have a significant connection with the state other than physical presence, and
  2. Substantial evidence is available in the state concerning the child’s care, protection, training, and personal relationships.
  • All courts of states having jurisdiction have declined to exercise jurisdiction; or
  • No court of any other state has jurisdiction under the above criteria; or
  • An emergency exists.

Also, if any court has made a child custody determination, that court has “continuing, exclusive jurisdiction” over any future cases involving custody of the child. “Continuing, exclusive jurisdiction” means that no other court may modify or change the child’s custody decree unless a court determines that the child, the child’s parents, and any person acting as a parent do not currently reside in the state.

NOTE: The above description only scratches the surface of the UCCJEA. There are other provisions of the UCCJEA that may allow, or not allow, to hear your particular case. If you have further questions about the UCCJEA, consult an attorney.

Know Your Rights and Protect Them!

If you are in the process of a divorce, and you believe that a court has violated any of your rights mentioned in this article, speak up and assert your rights. Your ex-husband may want to trample on you, but courts and legislatures have determined that you have the constitutional right not to be trampled on.

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women need to know about divorce

What Women Need To Know About Divorce

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women need to know about divorce

 

While everyone comes to the decision to divorce via their own personal path, and every divorce is unique to its own set of circumstances, women often face concerns that are specific to them. And things women need to know about divorce.

If you’re facing a divorce – whether you are the spouse who’s instigating the dissolution of your marriage or not – understanding the basics of divorce can help you make better-informed decisions and help you better protect your rights throughout the divorce process.

What Women Need To Know About Divorce

Choosing the Right Divorce Attorney

Whether you are contemplating a divorce, are facing a divorce, or fear that divorce is imminent, you need an experienced divorce attorney on your side. The outcome of your divorce will affect you and your children’s future significantly, and you don’t want to leave anything to chance.

When searching for a divorce attorney, look not only for someone with considerable experience, skill, and knowledge but also for someone with whom you feel comfortable working very closely. In the course of the divorce process, you’ll need to share the private details of your marriage, and choosing a compassionate, understanding divorce lawyer is a great place to start.

The Primary Elements of Your Divorce

While every divorce is indeed unique, certain issues must be resolved before any divorce is final. These include:

Your Child Custody Arrangements

The primary concern of most divorcing parents is their children. Mothers have traditionally been their children’s primary caregivers throughout their marriages, and if you are facing a future in which your children won’t be living with you 24/7, it can be especially difficult. The fact is that more and more fathers are fighting for and receiving enhanced visitation schedules – and even 50/50 custody.

While it’s almost always in your children’s best interests to spend a considerable amount of time with both of their parents, this fact does not mean that you should give up on your plans to be the primary custodial parent. It does, however, mean that you’ll need to work closely with your dedicated divorce attorney to help you obtain custody arrangements that work for you and your children.

The court’s primary goal is always to do what’s in the best interests of the children involved, but this goal is quite vague, and the court has considerable discretion in the matter. If you’re moving toward divorce, it’s never too early to start thinking carefully about your child custody goals and how best to achieve them.

The Division of Marital Property

After child custody arrangements, the division of your marital property is generally the most important divorce concern. Marital property typically refers to the property, assets, and debts that you and your spouse acquired as a married couple. In your divorce, these assets will generally be divided in a manner that is considered fair – if not exactly equal.

Again, however, the court has vast discretion in this determination. The division of your marital property is an extremely important consideration that will likely affect your finances well into the future, and it should be given the careful legal attention that it deserves.

Spousal Support

Spousal support refers to what you may know as alimony. Confusingly, it can also be referred to as spousal maintenance in certain states. Traditionally, women receive alimony more often because women are more likely to have stalled or left their own careers to run their homes and to raise their children in support of their husbands’ careers. Spousal support is by no means a certainty, and it is usually just a temporary measure to help the spouse with fewer assets get up to financial speed post-divorce.

Spousal support is most common after a long marriage, but many different variables can play a role. While there is no guarantee that you will receive spousal support, it can play an important role in your ability to move forward after your divorce, and you and your divorce lawyer should explore this potentiality.

The Issue of Fault

Divorce can be complicated by any number of intervening factors, and many women have questions about specific concerns. For example, the issue of fault often comes up. If your spouse was having an affair, spending down your marital assets, or engaging in any number of other nefarious activities, it may have played a critical role in the dissolution of your marriage.

Most states are No-Fault divorce states, which means that courts don’t take either spouse’s fault in the matter into consideration. This being said, however, the presiding judge in any given divorce proceeding always has wide discretion when it comes to the important decisions, and as such, your spouse’s actions may be factored into the outcome of your divorce. Again, it’s a complicated issue that requires the professional legal counsel of an experienced divorce attorney.

Your Divorce

Divorce is one of life’s most difficult challenges, and it requires a good deal of heartache and hard work. If you’re facing a divorce, do yourself and your children a favor by working closely with an experienced divorce attorney who will help protect your rights while aggressively advocating for an outcome that works for you.

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Gray Divorce Shouldn’t Have Women Singing the Blues

Gray Divorce Shouldn’t Have Women Singing the Blues

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If you are a woman old enough to be an AARP member contemplating divorce or legal separation, you need not only to understand the complications of divorce at your age but also find a family lawyer in your area with the experience to ensure your gray years will still be golden.

The post Gray Divorce Shouldn’t Have Women Singing the Blues appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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10 Lessons Most Women Learn During Divorce

10 Lessons Most Women Learn During Divorce

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No one gets married thinking that divorce is just around the corner. Whatever the reasons for a divorce, it always takes a huge toll emotionally and financially.

Here are 10 lessons most women learn during divorce as shared by ladies who’ve gone through it and by divorce professionals.

Recovery Takes Time

Depending on the reason for your divorce, the finality may either make you feel like it’s Christmas morning or the absolute end of the world. One thing to consider though is the feeling of vulnerability you’ll have until you’ve fully recovered. It is perfectly okay to seek help and it is perfectly okay to feel down, even if you’re the one who initiated the process, to begin with.

Manage Your Future Living Expenses Right NOW

Getting divorced can make you emotional and cause you to make poor decisions that you’ll regret later. Remember that time will take care of sore feelings but your financial decisions will affect you longer. Know how much money you need so you can make necessary adjustments and plans.

Be Ready for Unexpected Costs

It would be best to ask or request some funds before your first alimony check arrives. If you don’t need alimony, that’s also fine but know that there are probably some matters that were usually shouldered by your ex which you’ll have to pay for now.

You’ll Get Nothing from Trying to Hurt Your Ex

Remember that every action now has a consequence in the future. Sure, you can get your ex fired by ratting him out to his boss, but that will also mean he won’t have the same financial capabilities and will affect whatever support he can provide to you and your children. Saying hurtful things online can backfire when your kids are old enough to read what you shared about their father.

Choose Your Experts Wisely

Lawyers specializing in family law are your best bet to get the fairest settlement possible. You may also want to look into hiring a financial planner if you have a lot of combined assets with your husband.

Divorce Doesn’t Define You

Just because you’re divorced does not mean that you’re a failure or that you’re not desirable. Stigmas do persist to these days but keep in mind that a divorce just means that the relationship did not work out or love has simply died.

Kids Will ALWAYS Be Affected by a Divorce

Yes, even when they act like nothing happened. Numerous research studies show that kids often feel responsible when their parents go through a divorce. They may not say it, but there will be tell-tale behavioral signs that you can watch out for.

The Holidays Will Be a Hard Time for You

Feelings of loneliness are felt more during the holidays, and this doesn’t exempt those who are divorced. It would be best to plan a vacation or be with loved ones instead of being alone around the holidays.

Joint Accounts Need Your Attention Too

Don’t go into court without being fully informed about your joint accounts. You have to know online passwords, account pins, email verification, any investments, and who is handling your account(s) if using a professional. This will save you from both future headache and heartache once the divorce is in process.

Divorce Can Be Empowering

Divorce shouldn’t be viewed as the end of a book, but rather the beginning of a whole new chapter. There are a lot of opportunities for new beginnings after divorce. Wherever life may lead you, just know that you will always have a choice.

With everything said, there is no doubt that going through a divorce can be a scary time for anyone. Though it’s true that uncertainties are everywhere, the answers and help that you seek might be just a phone call away.

The post 10 Lessons Most Women Learn During Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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